When the One We Love Is With Someone Else

When the One We Love Is With Someone Else

by Brigid Bishop 

Nothing is more painful than being fully aware that the one we love is involved with someone else.  It can manifest in many ways, we may find out that our loved one was unfaithful or we may be “on a break” and they are investigating other opportunities, or it may be conclusively over and they are moving on.

Regardless of the circumstances, it hurts and we suffer and grieve.

I always recommend that when any of us are suffering this type of emotional turmoil that we are sure to watch for signs of clinical depression and to seek professional medical help if we suspect we may be afflicted.

Now, how do we deal with it?

Well, first of all, you must examine the reality of what type of a relationship you had in the first place.  Was it a friendship, an infatuation, were you just dating casually, were you boyfriend and girlfriend for a few months, were you involved for a few years? 

Measure the reality of the connection. 

Your emotional response should be directly proportionate to the type of connection that you had, if it is an excessively emotional response, you may need to seek professional guidance.  If you had a true relationship, for six months or more, you are going to hurt like heck, and of course, the longer the relationship, the more it is going to hurt.

You examined your situation and you find that it was a true relationship of significant length and your significant other is dating someone new. 

You know, without a doubt, that the man you were actively loving just a month or two ago is seeing another woman, (or insert genders as they apply to you). 

It hurts.  It makes you sick.  It makes you angry.

Who is the first person you are usually angry at for this?  Yourself?  No, not usually.  Your estranged partner?  No, you are usually too busy missing them and feeling the pain of their absence.  The new person they are seeing?  Yes.  That’s it.  Now you’ve got it.

Our initial reaction to the new person is that they are the evilest, most scheming, most conniving, no-good interloper on the face of the earth.  When we call an advisor we ask questions about her like “Is she after his money”, “Is she sexually immoral”, “Is she trying to use him”, etc., etc., etc.  We are trying to identify at least one major flaw in the new entity that will reassure us that this new relationship is on shaky ground and that he can’t really have feelings for her, he must just be with her just for sex, or whatever we convince ourselves it is. 

Although sometimes the above conditions may apply, it is infrequent at best.  The truth is that usually and customarily our estranged partner finds the new individual to be attractive in some way, feels good around them and wants to get to know them better.  It can be a temporary situation, or it can develop into something serious between them, and we frequently ask our metaphysical advisors what it looks like and we answer as honestly as possible.

Sometimes the new relationship looks like it will not bloom, that it is a transitional stage that either will lead our lost love back to us, as they realize as feelings do not develop for the new person that they still love us.  Sometimes the new relationship does look like it will grow and develop.  Sometimes the new relationship looks like it is just a transitional thing until our ex is fully our ex and moves on.  We look for answers and we hope for the best.

REGARDLESS of what the answers we divine together are, there are several key factors that you should try to focus on in order to ease your pain and provide yourself with the best emotional and psychological viewpoint to cope with this situation.

1)      Energy.  Don’t waste your energy trying to make the new person the villain.  The new entity may well be unaware of you, may not even know your name and is not out to hurt you specifically.  The new person is just living their life and happens to have crossed the path of the same person you care for during a time when an opportunity exists for them to get involved with your ex.  (This does not apply to cheating situations whereby your partner left you to be with them, we are talking about breaks without outside interference).

2)      Focus.  Remove your focus from your ex (and the new person).  Whether or not your readings tell you that your ex is returning, you must set it in your mind that at this point in time your lover is not yours, you are two separate people living separate lives.  Focus on yourself.  Focus on pushing yourself to move forward no matter how difficult.

3)      Break.  Make it a clean break.  The MOST difficult breakups are those that are not “clean”.  The rubber banding back and forth during an “unclean break” is sheer torture emotionally and psychologically.  They call it a break up because it is broken.  Clean breaks mend faster.

4)      Move.  Move on, move forward.  Let go.  Live your life, don’t try to be a voyeur into their life.

5)      Reality.  Live in reality.  Don’t try to create an illusion for your ex hoping that he is watching.  In 99% of cases he is doing all of the above and not focused on you, so don’t waste energy sending yourself flowers or trying to make your estranged partner jealous over an imaginary new man in your life, instead, get out there and meet a few new men for real!

The worst case scenario is that he will develop a new relationship and yours will be over for good.  In this event, if you have done all that you need to do, you will be well-socialized and already beginning to heal and move on. 

The best case scenario is that he will have felt the absence of your energy, found that his feelings for you prevent him from forming a significant new bond with the new person and he returns wanting you back in his life.  In this instance, if you have done all of the above, you will be able to make an emotionally intelligent decision about whether or not you even want him back.

If you do take him back, you need to be sure that you are able to put aside any negative feelings that may still remain, or perhaps resurface, when you think of the fact that he was with someone else during your break.  This can be difficult and we will discuss this in a future blog.

All Exes Do Not Return.

All Break Ups Are Not Permanent.