Top Ten Ways to Stay Single for Life

Top Ten Ways to Stay Single For Life

I was once told that successful blogging is inclusive of providing your audience with lists, so, not one to avoid testing a theory, I decided to post this list for my blog audience and clients to peruse.

It may be a bit “Tongue in Cheek”, but I can tell you, it will work for you!

1) Find yourself an unavailable man, i.e., married, emotionally unavailable, noncommittal, workaholic, alcoholic or otherwise occupied.

Decide he is the only one for you, put your entire life on hold waiting for him to give up his marriage, his girlfriend, his second job, his booze, his drugs, or whatever his particular obsession or situation may be.

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, DATE ANYONE ELSE WHO MAY ACTUALLY BE AVAILABLE DURING THIS TIME, FOCUS! FOCUS! FOCUS!

2) When you are online dating, stop looking as soon as you meet one guy in person and focus all of your energy and attention on him, put your life on hold waiting for his next call, your next date, his next text message or email and then, when he moves on, repeat the process repeatedly.

3) ALWAYS be available for his calls, texts and emails, never close your IM window so you know when he logs in and out and stalk him on the net watching his every move, neglect your own social life and worry about his.

Respond immediately each and every time he makes contact.

4) When he doesn’t call you in a timely manner make every excuse in the book as to why he is not communicating with you for him, his job, his kids, his hobby, they are all taking up his time and he will call you eventually, sit by the phone and wait.

5) Panic if one day goes by and he doesn’t call you.

Do not let twenty-four hours go by without communication, immediately pick up your phone and call or text him, email him, forward him those annoying group emails to see if he opens it, repeat in increasing frequencies when he does not answer his phone and you get voicemail.

6) Convince yourself that you are in a relationship that does not exist.

He smiles at you when you pass in the hall at work, begin obsessing that he is going to ask you out and focus all of your energy into making your work day revolve around crossing his path. Transfer departments to get the office next to his!

This also applies to the ex that you keep chasing after that occassionally sleeps with you, but never takes you out. Hold on to that ex even when he doesn’t call, write or care!

Or better yet, totally stalk a guy you were never even involved with, send him presents and cards and messages. That good old restraining order will help to ensure you stay single!

7) Convince yourself that a casual dating situation is a real relationship.

He doesn’t call you more than once every ten days or so, you only see him once or twice a month, but heck, he’s busy with his kids, job, business, hobby, etc., Repeat List Item #4.

DO NOT DATE ANYONE ELSE DURING THIS TIME!

Project into the future about how things will be when he asks you to marry him.

Chase him!

Go where you know he will be. Show up with friends as if you were going there anyway and spend all of your time trying to get his attention and get him into your social group, ignore your friends, they were just “the beard” anyway.

Join all of his forum discussion groups, chat groups, and internet sites and be sure to let him know you are there!

If you met him on the internet and you live far apart, move to his city! Buy the house next door!

9) Be overly critical.

You are at a party where you don’t know too many people, just mildly aquainted, they seem to be his friends, he is off socializing and had you on his arm, but you wanted his undivided attention so you went off to sit on the sofa alone and he did not follow you immediately.

In front of all of his friends, tell him how rude he is to ignore you and have the nerve to socialize with other people and assume that he was including you.

Perhaps you may want to buy him a leash?

10) Be a total narcissist.

Analyze how each and every action he takes affects you.

He’s going to visit his mother on your cat’s birthday?

How dare he, doesn’t he know how important that cat is to you?

His mother is dying and he has to spend time sharing shifts with his siblings caring for her?

How dare he! Doesn’t he know that you need to go out to dinner and a movie tonight! His mother is just being spiteful by holding onto life and not dying, he should realize that she is just trying to keep him away from you and she should just die already!

He spends time with his friends.

How dare he! Doesn’t he know that YOU are the only friend he needs?

Make sure you tell him all of these things every time he takes a breath that does not include you or calculate how it will affect you.

So, my dear friends, here is a handy guide to the Top Ten Ways to Stay Single for Life.

There are many more ways, but these are just the best ways. Even applying just one of these will give you some pretty heavy insurance that you will never have to truly deal with that messy thing called a “Relationship”.

*Any similiarity to any persons living or dead is purely coincidental.*

Copyright © 2008 Brigid Bishop

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