What Do You Need to be Happy?

What Do You Need to be Happy?

What is it that you require in order to be happy?

Are you already happy and not in need of anything in particular?  Good for you!  You probably are one of the people who will not read this blog, so I will address those that feel that something is missing in their quality of life preventing them from being contented (happy).

Is it financial safety and security?

Many of us in these difficult economic times are back down at the bottom of the Maslow Pyramid hierarchy of needs.  At the safety level, we require security of body, employment, resources, morality, safety of the family, of our health and of our property.

This is not unusual, when the economy takes a downturn, I would venture to guess that at the closure of 2008 the majority of us know of someone who is dealing with the threat of foreclosure, may be considering taking our children out of private schools, and is concerned about job security.

It is difficult indeed to be happy when basic survival and quality of life is at risk.

We can take control over these security risks to some degree, we can search for a new type of employment, downsize our home, refinance, but it is difficult.  These factors lay a foundation for the balance of our energy and when these foundational building blocks of our lives begin to shift, we may feel it in all areas of our life.

It is difficult to maintain optimism during these times, but it is possible.  We do as much as we can to cement our foundations and we give thanks for the positives that still remain, we weather the storm and prepare for standing our ground or possibly rebuilding.

Our spirituality may help us to endure difficult times at this level and may restore us on the emotional level but we are at risk for depression and high anxiety and must stay aware that life runs in cycles and that this cycle too will pass.

Perhaps you are feeling that you are okay at the safety and security level, a little nervous, but not being affected too harshly, in that case you are probably feeling more that you need love and a sense of belonging to be happy.

Do you need to feel loved and to feel a sense of belonging?

I would venture to say that eighty percent of the clients I am working with are at this level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Feeling love and partnership, (belonging), would bring the majority of the seekers I speak with a sense of happiness. 

At this level we seek friendship, family and sexual intimacy. 

We may find that in finding sexual intimacy we are falling short of that feeling of happiness we seek.  It may be simple enough to find willing sexual partners, but not so easy to find that combination of friendship and sexual intimacy that is the foundation of what we commonly refer to as love.

How do we improve our chances of finding a fulfilling relationship?

It is not easy.

We must learn to differentiate love and sex.

Sex is chemical and can lay a firm foundation for love, but friendship is psychological and emotional and is truly the cement that holds a sexually charged partnership together.

Sexual chemistry can be immediate, like a thunderbolt, whereas friendship, although at times immediate, usually takes patience and understanding, taking the time to get to know someone.

When we delay our sexual gratification and take the time to truly get to understand another person on a “friendship” level and create that bond of affection and concern we have a much better chance at finding our happiness at this level.

There is no magic formula, no rule of thumb for how long it takes, but history and experience prove that the more you know someone before handing your heart over to them, the higher your chances of success in forging that bond we refer to as love.

Perhaps we feel we have already met our love but we are having difficulty transitioning from friendship or casual sex to true intimacy? 

If that is the case, the best thing to do is to move things back to the ground level, remove the sexual activity and focus on the friendship again, you may or may not get to the level of sexual intimacy you desire, but you will be able to see things in a broader perspective.  Letting go frequently allows the sexual chemistry to reignite into a more passionate connection, yes, it may not, but it frees you to seek the love you desire elsewhere rather than treading water in a “friends with benefits” situation.  If love is what you seek, a friend with benefits is only a purgatory that you confine yourself to.

Perhaps we feel that we have met our love but have lost them and feel that only in regaining this love can we find true happiness?

At times, we have found the love we need and for whatever reason, something has gone wrong and we no longer have that love in our lives.  How much energy should we put into regaining that love? 

This is one of the most difficult situations to calculate.

Each situation is different, however, in general, if initial direct attempts at reconciliation fail, it is best to accept the loss and move forward as best as one can.  The old adage, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” holds true here.  If the love is meant to rekindle, you cannot force it, nor should you put your life on hold waiting for it, you must accept the ending as a clean break and begin to move forward with your life.

Truly, you can find happiness elsewhere, there is no one person who defines whether or not you are happy, you, yourself define whether or not you are content.  In holding on and hoping for a lovers’ return you are losing opportunities for new love to enter your life, that can, actually, make you happy.

The best practice is to move forward, yes your lover may return, but when and if that love does resurface should not be the sole factor in whether or not you are happy, it is not healthy. 

In moving forward, we frequently find a new love that is better for us psychologically and emotionally because that lover allows themselves to be available to us, the key to intimacy.

When a desired love object is not available to us emotionally, psychologically or physically we are dealing with the extreme opposite of intimacy, seclusion, and this is something that we are incapable of changing, it must come from within the other person.

If we have love and safety, we may well feel that a heightened sense of esteem will bring us happiness.

Will esteem make you happy?

Do you want to be respected, do you have a high sense of self-esteem, do you want broader recognition of your achievements?

If so, then you are higher up on the pyramid, you have a firm foundation of security and love and you are ready to receive the acclaim of your fellow man.  You will work hard to achieve your goals and gain continued recognition and this will make you happy.

Hard work and fortitude is likely what is needed to bring you to your happy plateau.

Are you ready to self-actualize?

If you are, you are truly on “top of the heap”.  In Maslow’s theory, this is where true happiness can be found, your physiological, psychological, emotional and ego-driven needs have all been met.  You are ready to be the best you can be, and this will bring you true happiness of the highest sort.

At this point you can be creative, helpful, nonjudgmental, charitable and accepting. 

You are ready to help others to achieve their happiness as well.

So, where are you on Maslow’s pyramid?  What do you need to be happy?  What can you do to achieve your goals?

 

 

 Visit me at www.brigidbishop.com

 

Copyright © 2008 Brigid Bishop

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