It’s sometimes a sad, but true fact that we set ourselves up to fail, we don’t mean to, we don’t want to, but nevertheless we do.
In love, certain factors must exist with any potential partner in order for a true relationship to develop. Yes, of course, we need the chemical and physical attraction, the psychological draw and the emotional compatibility, but are we looking for these qualities in all the wrong places?
(To gain more insight into making your relationships work for you, purchase a copy of Brigid Bishop’s The Dating Game, Insights Into Affairs of the Heart, available on Amazon and Kindle).
The onset of social networking on the internet has caused us to lose touch with some of the fundamentals of relationship development. Cyber relating has caused us to open up and allow ourselves to get to know people and pin our hopes on attractions that may well contain the basic human attractions, however, they lack realistic potential to develop. What are the factors required that we ignore when we set ourselves up to fail? Here are just a few.
Logistics.
He lives in Australia. She lives in Colorado. They “meet” on an internet dating site founded on the premise of key psychological factors of attraction and compatibility. Sounds good, right? WRONG! They spend a full calendar year chatting, texting and skyping, even going so far as to have “Skype Sex“. She, due to her primal hormonal programming, has bonded to him and actually believes that this “relationship” is going somwhere. He, although he enjoys her “company” and finds Skype Sex titillating, has no intention of ever meeting her in person. He does not have the socioeconomic standing to travel around the world to “date” her and he has no intention of relocating or asking her to do so.
During the excitement of “getting to know” one another over the internet, neither party thought to discuss this factor prior to allowing emotions to escalate.
She begins pushing for an in person meeting, even offering to travel to him, at her own expense, he declines. She is hurt. Why did this relationship fail? Pure logistics. If these two had set their sights on a relationship with a person who was actually within a realistic commutable distance, the “relationship” may have had a chance to develop, with the inability of the pair to have real “face time“, there was no chance that this would ever manifest.
Why didn’t the man want to meet her if she traveled to him? Simple, he wasn’t bonded to her, she was a video, he could easily objectify her, meeting her in person would only hurt her as he had no intention of having a real relationship with her, his needs were met and he was actively dating women who were local to him. He would have continued their cyber fling indefinitely if she allowed him to. He told her directly that he wanted to keep the “friendship” alive, but that he felt the long distance could never work. How could it? They were on opposite sides of the world.
The woman set herself up to fail further by telling him that she wasn’t interested in a friendship, she’d only continue if they met. He said okay, went quiet for awhile and then contacted her to resume the “friendship“. Instead of standing by her own ultimatum, she begins the cycle all over again and repeats the same exact pattern, back to the ultimatum of meeting, wasting another six months, for a total of eighteen months, emotionally investing in a dead end situation.
Logistics. Do not enter into a long distance cyber relationship with anyone who does not have the ways and means to travel to you on a regular basis, if you do, you are setting yourself up to fail. If you and your prospective have the means to travel to each other, good, but before you bond to each other, make sure one of you is willing to relocate at some point. Yes, the psychological and emotional factors may exist for a compatible match, but if you can’t spend real face time together on a regular basis, move on.
Availability
Social networks throw all the single people, married people and cheating people into the same pool. If her page says she is “in a relationship“, she is. If his page says he’s married, he is. It doesn’t matter how much he chats with you, it doesn’t mean he’s going to leave his wife and kids for you. Yes, as above, the emotional and psychological factors may exist between you, but if the person is unavailable, it means they are UNAVAILABLE! Move on. Otherwise you could be wasting a lot of precious time and ending up in a relationship limbo that may become inescapable.
Age Appropriate
Cougar, Schmooger. If he is more than five to seven years younger than you and you are not in the market for a “boy toy“, move on. The more years between you, the faster you need to run. Yes, in very rare instances this can work out, but in most instances your young man is either looking for financial gain, a playmate when he’s in between girlfriends, or a mother. RUN!
Unfortunately, (or perhaps fortunately), age appropriateness is still very gender biased. When the male is the elder, the relationships can very well work out.
So, if you want to set yourself up to succeed, have the emotional, psychological and physical attraction, have realistic logistics, make sure your prospective partner is truly available, and choose an age appropriate partner.
Good one! I agree wholeheartedly with your analysis. Fortunately I met someone in person first and because he lived so far away it relied heavily on Facebook at first then Skype to mature and progress. Fortunately also he had the means and the intention to have a real relationship. So given my relationship having met all your criteria it is STILL REALLY HARD and not for the fainthearted. Great post.
By: Livvy Ospry on March 4, 2011
at 10:21 pm
Thanks for your reply Livvy!!! Hope you are able to close the distance!!! LD’s CAN work if both parties really work at it. My first marriage started as an LD so I know how it feels, and this was BEFORE the net, early 80′s….Good Luck!!
By: Brigid Bishop on March 5, 2011
at 2:26 pm