Worry

I received this via email from a dear friend and found it blog-worthy, I do not know who the author is, but find it very apropos to my life. 

WORRY

Is there a magic cutoff period when

Offspring become accountable for their own Actions?  Is there a wonderful moment when Parents can become detached spectators in The lives of their children and shrug, “It’s Their life,” and feel nothing?

  

When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital Corridor waiting for doctors to put a few Stitches in my daughter’s head.  I asked, “When do You stop worrying?”  The nurse said, “When they get out of the accident stage.”  My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little Chair in a classroom and heard how one of my Children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, And was headed for a career making License plates.  As if to read my mind, a teacher Said, “Don’t worry, they all go through This stage and then you can sit back, relax and Enjoy them.”  My dad just smiled Faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime Waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come Home, the front door to open.  A friend said, “They’re trying to find themselves.  Don’t worry, In a few years, you can stop worrying.  They’ll be Adults.”  My dad just smiled faintly And said nothing.

By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being Vulnerable.  I was still worrying over my Children, but there was a new wrinkle.  There Was nothing I could do about it.  My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.  I Continued to anguish over their failures, be Tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in Their disappointments.

My friends said that when my kids got married I Could stop worrying and lead my own Life.  I wanted to believe that, but I was Haunted by my dad’s warm smile and his Occasional, “You look pale.  Are you all right? 

Call me the minute you get home.  Are

You depressed about something?”

Can it be that parents are sentenced to a Lifetime of worry?  Is concern for one another Handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of Human frailties and the fears of the Unknown?  Is concern a curse or is it a virtue That elevates us to the highest form of life?

One of my children became quite irritable Recently, saying to me, “Where were you?  I’ve been Calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.”

I smiled a warm smile. 

The torch has been passed.

Tough Love in the Garden of Eden

Tough Love in the Garden of Eden

From June of 2007

The first example of “Tough Love” is found in Genesis in the Judeo-Christian Bible.

God gave Adam and Eve one rule to abide by, “Eat not from the Tree of Knowledge“, but, in ingesting the fruit of that tree, Adam and Eve lost not only their innocence, but their enabler.  God had provided all for his two prototype children, and without hesitation he tough loved them IMMEDIATELY when they violated his one rule.  I think that this may be my own parental original sin, I may have delayed the tough love out of selfishness, in order to keep my son close to me and close to home.

Many of my clients and colleagues may have the mistaken impression that due to the happiness I am currently experiencing over my recent nuptials that all is peaceful and pleasant here in Brigid Bishop land, but that is not the case.

As I have written about before, many times when one part of your life comes into balance, another part of your life goes way out of whack, and that happens to be the See-Saw Effect that the universe is providing me with right now.

Many of you are well aware that I have two sons, one 21 and one 19, shortly turning 20.

This is my tough love child, my soon-to-be twenty year old.

I have always tried to impose a strict value system, teach him that there are consequences and try to encourage him to be a productive member of society, but in that, I may have failed.

Circumstances have arisen, beginning on the day of the wedding, that have forced my hand and my heart into a difficult and trying decision.

I am tough-loving him to the nth extreme.

I have evicted him from our home, (his childhood home), forced him to seek professional help, removed all financial support, basically thrown him out of the nest, and it is breaking my heart.

I feel selfish whenever a thought creeps in about happiness in my new marriage, because, as a parent, I feel like the world has crumbled, however, I know that I have no choice.  If I do not force him out into independence, I am enabling him to continue on an extremely dangerous path.

The scary part is, forcing his independence means that I surrender all control.  By removing myself as an enabler I am handing him over to Gods’ Will, and faith is tested, as I fear that he will continue to make poor choices.

If I allow him to stay, the situation is only going to escalate, and the problematic behaviors will escalate as well.  If I tough love him as I am, he has to gather his wits and resources and survive on his own in a world that can be harsh and cruel, but he will become independent if God is willing, my fear is that he will crash and burn, but he is crashing and burning when I hand him high-paying job opportunities and scholarships and the like.

Has my generosity and concern as a parent created this monster?

Was he genetically predisposed to self-destructive behavior?

This I don’t know.

This is the biggest challenge I have ever faced, and as I sit here with that sick feeling in my stomach and tears in my eyes while he takes his last shower and shave in our bathroom I feel a mixture of fear, hope, concern, love, frustration and grief.

Parenting.

Letting go.

The two are not synonymous.

This hurts.

However, I cannot be the enabler. 

Please God, watch over my son and allow him to grasp the gravity of his situation and choose the right path.

Any prayers you wish to send up for the mental and emotional health of my son Zachary would be greatly appreciated.

Look how far the human race has evolved since God Tough Loved us out of Eden and into the cold harsh world.  I must remember that necessity is the mother of invention and hope that Zachary has inherently acquired the traits so needed in surviving todays’ world.  I survived and blossomed when I left my own nest at age 18 and as a senior in high school, I aggressively sought independence, I pray he will welcome it as he adjusts to it.

“The trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit.”

                                                               Moliere

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

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Things I Will Go To Hell For

Things I Will Go To Hell For

 

Brilliant Disguise

 by Bruce Springsteen

I hold you in my arms as the band plays
What are those words whispered baby just as you turn away
I saw you last night out on the edge of town
I wanna read your mind and know just what Ive got in this new thing Ive found
So tell me what I see when I look in your eyes
Is that you baby or just a brilliant disguise

Ok, so perhaps you think that this posting is just an innocuous little tribute to Bruce Springsteen, but, no, it is not.  Although Springsteen is one of my favorites, this song may be one of the reasons that when Judgment Day arrives, I will be traveling south!

Here is what happened:

I had just taken my two sons, Justin and Zach to see “The Sixth Sense”.  They were around eleven and twelve at the time.  We were discussing the movie while my Springsteen tape “Tunnel of Love” was playing in the background.

This song came on.  And during the chorus where they sing:

Is that you baby or just a brilliant disguise?

Justin and I replaced the words with:

Is that you baby or just a Bridget Delfine?

Justin had heard me parody the song in this manner (that’s my real name), many, many times and was singing along with me.  Zachary, age eleven, piped up from the back seat “Hey MOM!  Is that YOUR NAME Bruce is singing?!?!?!?”

I could not resist, and this is why I may go to Hell.

I pulled over, turned the music down, winked at Justin and said, “Why yes, Zachary, it is.  And there is something I’ve been meaning to tell you…”

Zach anxiously awaited my answer.

I said, “Well Zach, Bruce Springsteen is your real dad.  We met after a concert once, and you are raally his son.  He wrote this song about our love affair.”

Zach was awestruck…..at the time I didn’t feel guilty, I thought it was REALLY FUNNY, and so did Justin.  We turned the music back on, pulled out, and traveled homeward singing the New and Revised Lyrics together.

My Bad.

Zach went to school the next day and proceeded to tell all his friends who his “real” dad was!  I know, I know, I warped my own kid……..he has since gotten over it………it was funny. 

I told Zach the truth, that I was only teasing the very same night……he thought it was a funny practicial joke, thank God my kids’ inherited my IQ and not there father’s, so he appreciated the humor.

But I still feel guilty for doing it.

It is a family joke now, when I play Springsteen or it comes on the radio, Justin or Zach will inevitably say hey, My dad (or Z’s dad) is on.  But I still feel guilty.

God, I did not mean to screw with my kid like that, but it was SO funny at the time!