Surviving an Affair

Surviving an Affair

 

Is it possible to salvage a relationship when your loved one has been untrue?

Yes, anything is possible, however, this particular possibility is a very difficult one.

In one of my previous Relationship Coaching Blogs, we covered the topic of “Why Do People Cheat?”.  In this installment we will cover the challenges of recovering from an affair.

This blog is written for the specific target audience of those that want to continue their relationship with their significant other, despite the fact that they are fully aware that their spouse has been unfaithful.  Many choose to end their relationships on the grounds of infidelity yet there are also many who choose to stay. 

(There will be future blogs for the partners that have cheated and how they can work on regaining their loved ones’ trust as well as the topic of ending a relationship with a cheater.)

First and foremost, you have been hurt, deeply hurt.

No one understands the depth of how much pain an unfaithful spouse or lover can bring to a tender heart more than one who has been through it, and I feel for all who have experienced this particular hell, I’ve been there myself.

In order for your relationship to successfully get past this point and move forward once again, we must be able to forgive the transgression.

This is very, very difficult, and for some of us, it is an exercise in futility.  An inability to forgive this trespass will poison any attempts at truly reconciling the issue.  It is very difficult to forgive someone who has inflicted this level of pain on us, and truthfully, some of us are not capable of this level of forgiveness. 

Prior to beginning to work on your relationship again, you must first truly examine whether or not you are able to forgive your partner for being unfaithful.  Be honest with yourself, this is a key factor in regaining the love you once had for this partner.

All affairs are different.  Some are just sexual, some are emotional, and some are just a one night stand.  What type of an affair did your partner partake in?  Personally, I was more hurt by the fact that my partner became (or risked becoming) emotionally involved than by the sexual or physical aspects of an affair, but everyone is different.

Self Examination.

Are you going to be able to put this out of your mind?  Are you ever going to be able to trust your partner again?  Is your partner truly willing to be faithful and exclusive to you emotionally and physically from this point on?

Answers to YOUR Questions.

You need to sit down with your partner and ask the painful questions, was it sex, was it love, was it a way out, or was it just a fling?  The answers from your partner need to be honest and open, and your partner must feel that you are not going to rip their head off if they tell you the truth in order to feel safe enough to be honest about it.

Is The Affair Over?

Your partner must agree to have absolutely no further contact with the person they cheated with.  This, in some cases, can be extremely difficult, especially if the straying spouse had an affair with a coworker and they both still work together.  It may warrant your partner changing jobs if this is economically feasible, as unless all contact ceases and desists, you may have an unusually difficult time regaining trust in the fallen partner.

Is Your Partner Sensitive to Your Feelings?

You will be angry, hurt, distrustful, upset and confused as you begin this process.  It is an emotional roller coaster no one wants to be on.  In order to survive, your partner needs to be empathetic to your feelings (which may last for years after the affair), and respect and nurture your need for extra effort to reestablish trust.

Taking Responsibility

Both you and your partner must take responsibility for the actions and interactions between you that led up to the affair.  No, I am not blaming the innocent partner here, but affairs happen because something is lacking in a relationship, as I covered in my blog, ““Why Do People Cheat?”.  You must dive down into the depths of your original relationship and examine the root causes of this infidelity.  In some cases, the wayward partner is just a pure schmuck, in that case, why do you want them back?  But in most instances, something was missing that caused the affair.  Identify it and fix it.  If it is irreparable, you may not be able to salvage your relationship.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

No one wants to beat a dead horse, but surviving an affair can actually bring the two of you closer together and give you the ability to be more honest with each other than you ever have been before.  Of course, the preferred state of being is to never have to deal with an infidelity in the first place, however, it happens.  If you choose to survive it, you can, but you must communicate effectively with each other in order to prevent any further mishaps from occurring and to truly have a new beginning in each other’s lives.

 

Copyright © 2008 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part. 

 

 

Are You Tucker Proof?

 

Tucker Max, Every Woman’s Nightmare!

Every Summer I purchase a dozen books to read over the course of the season of various genres, I love nothing more than to sit outside in the sun on the weekend and read for pure pleasure.  It’s even better when I get to go on a vacation and lay by a pool or on a beach and indulge in this lazy, self-gratifying past time.

This year, among my summer readings, I picked up “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” by one Tucker Max.

Ladies, your nightmare man is out there, and his name is Tucker Max.

Although I do find his blatant approach to writing about his womanizing antics amusing, I must say that I am concerned for all of the unsuspecting women who fell prey to his carousing antics.  The sad part is, many of these women that he knowingly duped into sexual escapades at their expense, probably had the mistaken anticipation that he was actually interested in them as a human being.  This is SO not the case.

Tucker Max’s book is all about game.

He goes out, he drinks, he hooks up, he moves on, and this is his accounting of said antics.

If you are single and out there and you want to learn more about how to spot a “Nightmare Man”, you really should read this book, it will save you a lot of pain and suffering, and it will also reinforce to you the necessity for adopting some of the principles I have stated in my many relationship blogs.

If you follow the concepts that I have written about, over and over and over it seems at times, it will be highly unlikely that a man with no moral character like Tucker will be able to penetrate your life.

This is a must read for the single woman simply for the fact that it is a rude awakening to how callous and uncaring some men can be, and learning to spot them early on will protect you from a potentially painful experience.

I must warn you that the book is very graphic and sexually explicit; there are also many incidents in the book that are graphic to the point that you may become nauseated and need to skip a chapter or two.

To help protect yourself from becoming a notch on some Tucker’s belt, I highly recommend that you read my Relationship Coaching Blogs, a good place to start is with “The Dating Game”.

Start “Tucker Proofing” Yourself Today!

 

The One: The Myth Exposed

The ONE

Are We Meant To Be Together?

This question, more than any other question that is asked of me makes me very tense. It bothers me because I do not subscribe to the idea or fantasy that there exists out there “The One”.

In my personal belief system, I just cannot buy into this particular myth.
Some people believe that a “Soul Mate” is “The One”, ugh, it rattles my cage when I hear or read people encouraging this fantasy in others.

This mindset leads people to pursuing relationships that won’t work and to holding on to relationships that don’t work, and frequently gets them obsessed with an ex.

There is no such thing as “The One”. The Universe is not so cruel as to, in the 6,709,999,582 people who are on the earth, (as of 7/1/08), to only have ONE of these people be an appropriate loving and caring partner for YOU.

Statistically, if you were born on 7/1/08, that would give you a 0.0000000149031305856198000% Chance of finding someone to love!

Do you really believe that the odds are stacked that overwhelmingly against us here on Earth?
I don’t.

I believe that we have dozens, perhaps hundreds or thousands, of mortal counterparts that we can build a happy existence with. Fate plays a hand to some degree, yes, fate being the geographic location of your existence, the personality you were born with, (whether you are an introvert or extrovert), the genetics that compose your outward appearance, how your parents raised you and thus how you are wired emotionally and psychologically and more, but I vehemently disregard that fate controls “who we are meant to be with”.

We CHOOSE who we are with (or not with and pining away after).

So when a client says to me, distraught over a crisis in their current love affair, I have no choice but to say, “I cannot in good conscience answer that question as there is no such thing as “The ONE””. This is frequently met with dead silence.

Yes, there may be a soul connection to this individual you love so much, yes, they may even be your “Soul Mate”, (Click HERE to gain understanding of what a Soul Mate actually is), but they are NOT the only “ONE” and it is not “Meant To BE” you must choose to MAKE IT BE! And to top that off, they must also decide, hopefully concurrently, that they want you to be THEIR ONE.

So you’re relationship is in crisis, you don’t know if it is over, you are looking for relief, the easiest question to ask is “Are we meant to be together?”, it will provide you with instant validation and relief if an advisor tells you “yes, you are”, and drive you perhaps to despair if an advisor answers “No, you are not.”

Better questions to ask are “What can I do (if anything) to improve the situation”, or “What are the core issues and root causes of our relationship issues”, or “What do I need to work on internally to better cope with this crisis”.

These are questions that can be answered with true advice that can help you to better choose as to whether or not this individual truly is right for you and deserves to be in the “ONE” position in your life, rather than just trying to validate that your suffering will be worth it in the long run.

So if you do call me, and you do ask me, “Are we meant to be together, is he/she the one?” I will tell you, again, I cannot in good conscience answer that question as I do not believe that there is any such thing as “The One”.

Do the Math!!!!

Brightest Blessings,

Brigid Bishop

Copyright © 2008 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part

In my absence, if you are in need of an Advisor and do not have time to wait for an “Arranged Call”, please try one of the well-qualified Advisors in my group of personally recommended Readers:

Brigid Bishop Recommends.

This Group of Readers is Invitation Only in order to maintain the integrity of the group. All of these advisors are ethical and professional and I truly do recommend them highly. I have had personal contact with all of them, they are not just random “picks” or “open to everyone” memberships, I do trust them and endorse them.

Top Ten Ways to Stay Single for Life

Top Ten Ways to Stay Single For Life

I was once told that successful blogging is inclusive of providing your audience with lists, so, not one to avoid testing a theory, I decided to post this list for my blog audience and clients to peruse.

It may be a bit “Tongue in Cheek”, but I can tell you, it will work for you!

1) Find yourself an unavailable man, i.e., married, emotionally unavailable, noncommittal, workaholic, alcoholic or otherwise occupied.

Decide he is the only one for you, put your entire life on hold waiting for him to give up his marriage, his girlfriend, his second job, his booze, his drugs, or whatever his particular obsession or situation may be.

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, DATE ANYONE ELSE WHO MAY ACTUALLY BE AVAILABLE DURING THIS TIME, FOCUS! FOCUS! FOCUS!

2) When you are online dating, stop looking as soon as you meet one guy in person and focus all of your energy and attention on him, put your life on hold waiting for his next call, your next date, his next text message or email and then, when he moves on, repeat the process repeatedly.

3) ALWAYS be available for his calls, texts and emails, never close your IM window so you know when he logs in and out and stalk him on the net watching his every move, neglect your own social life and worry about his.

Respond immediately each and every time he makes contact.

4) When he doesn’t call you in a timely manner make every excuse in the book as to why he is not communicating with you for him, his job, his kids, his hobby, they are all taking up his time and he will call you eventually, sit by the phone and wait.

5) Panic if one day goes by and he doesn’t call you.

Do not let twenty-four hours go by without communication, immediately pick up your phone and call or text him, email him, forward him those annoying group emails to see if he opens it, repeat in increasing frequencies when he does not answer his phone and you get voicemail.

6) Convince yourself that you are in a relationship that does not exist.

He smiles at you when you pass in the hall at work, begin obsessing that he is going to ask you out and focus all of your energy into making your work day revolve around crossing his path. Transfer departments to get the office next to his!

This also applies to the ex that you keep chasing after that occassionally sleeps with you, but never takes you out. Hold on to that ex even when he doesn’t call, write or care!

Or better yet, totally stalk a guy you were never even involved with, send him presents and cards and messages. That good old restraining order will help to ensure you stay single!

7) Convince yourself that a casual dating situation is a real relationship.

He doesn’t call you more than once every ten days or so, you only see him once or twice a month, but heck, he’s busy with his kids, job, business, hobby, etc., Repeat List Item #4.

DO NOT DATE ANYONE ELSE DURING THIS TIME!

Project into the future about how things will be when he asks you to marry him.

Chase him!

Go where you know he will be. Show up with friends as if you were going there anyway and spend all of your time trying to get his attention and get him into your social group, ignore your friends, they were just “the beard” anyway.

Join all of his forum discussion groups, chat groups, and internet sites and be sure to let him know you are there!

If you met him on the internet and you live far apart, move to his city! Buy the house next door!

9) Be overly critical.

You are at a party where you don’t know too many people, just mildly aquainted, they seem to be his friends, he is off socializing and had you on his arm, but you wanted his undivided attention so you went off to sit on the sofa alone and he did not follow you immediately.

In front of all of his friends, tell him how rude he is to ignore you and have the nerve to socialize with other people and assume that he was including you.

Perhaps you may want to buy him a leash?

10) Be a total narcissist.

Analyze how each and every action he takes affects you.

He’s going to visit his mother on your cat’s birthday?

How dare he, doesn’t he know how important that cat is to you?

His mother is dying and he has to spend time sharing shifts with his siblings caring for her?

How dare he! Doesn’t he know that you need to go out to dinner and a movie tonight! His mother is just being spiteful by holding onto life and not dying, he should realize that she is just trying to keep him away from you and she should just die already!

He spends time with his friends.

How dare he! Doesn’t he know that YOU are the only friend he needs?

Make sure you tell him all of these things every time he takes a breath that does not include you or calculate how it will affect you.

So, my dear friends, here is a handy guide to the Top Ten Ways to Stay Single for Life.

There are many more ways, but these are just the best ways. Even applying just one of these will give you some pretty heavy insurance that you will never have to truly deal with that messy thing called a “Relationship”.

*Any similiarity to any persons living or dead is purely coincidental.*

Copyright © 2008 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.

Music Therapy Lesson

Music Therapy Lesson

I have always been one to take solace in lyrics, that is probably why I enjoy writing poetry so much.  I have been a poet since the age of seven, with many poems published over the years, but, unfortunately, I never had any of my poems produced in the form of a song.

Every day, as a Professional Tarot Reader, I speak to clients who are longing for a loved one to return.  Along with the tarot reading, if they are interested in listening, I try to encourage them to truly examine their feelings for the person in question to be sure that they, indeed, do want the lover in question to return.

As you may have very well noticed, if you are one of my regular “blog” audience members, I frequently refer to lyrics to express my sentiments and make my points.

So, if you are out there pining for a lost love, please read these lyrics, and if you are like me, the song will play, (and possibly become stuck), in your head.

What I want you to do is to truly “feel” the song.

Is the person you are missing worthy of all of the grief you are feeling?

When you were together were they kind and caring toward you?

When you were together did they make you feel hurt and anxious on a regular basis?

People do change, but they don’t change in significant quantities in a timely manner.  True change takes place over extended time and it is intentional and practiced, not just a brief change to get you back for their own purposes with a quick reversal back to old behaviors.

Listen to this song in your head.

Feel the emotions.

When the song is over, how does the very last line make you feel?

I’ll ask that again after your review the lyrics.

  

Here Come Those Tears Again

(Jackson Browne & Nancy Farnsworth)

Baby here we stand again
Like we’ve been so many times before
Even though you looked so sure
As I was watching you walking out my door
But you always walk back in like you did today
Acting like you never even went awayWell I don’t know if I can
Open up and let you in baby
Here come those tears
Here come those tears againI can hear you telling me
How you needed to be free
And you had some things to work out alone
Now you’re standing here telling me
How you have grown

Here come those tears again
Now you’ll tell me how to hold them in
Here come those tears
Here come those tears again

Some other time baby
When I’m strong and feeling fine maybe
When I can look at you without crying
You might look like a friend of mine
But I don’t know if I can
Open up enough to let you in
Here come those tears
Here come those tears again
Just walk away
I’m going back inside and turning out those light
And I’ll be in the dark but you’ll be out of sight

Okay.  Now, how do you feel about the person who has been so heavily on your mind for days, weeks or months?

How does this part “And I’ll be in the dark but you’ll be out of sight”, specifically, make you feel?

Does it make you feel sad?  Ok, maybe you still love the lost one and perhaps they were kind to you.

Or does it make you feel empowered?  If so, you may very well be on your way to healing and moving past this broken dream.

Look at your estranged lover without the mist in your eyes from your tears.  Look at the real person behind the heartache you are feeling.

Were you always the one wanting more and getting less?

Were you always anxious or worried that they would ultimately leave?

What about the happy times, were they truly happy?

Think about it.

Is it time for you to turn out the light?

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

.  This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part

 Visit Brigid Bishop

Have You Any Stalking Tendencies? Can’t Let Go? Take This Test To See….

Have You Any Stalking Tendencies? Can’t Let Go? Take This Test To See….

Are You a Stalker?

We get interested in men, we get frustrated, at times, by men, we get hurt by men, we fall in love with men, and we break up and make up with men.  In the complicated world of relationships we ride the rollercoaster of masculine and feminine energy and we, at times, fall prey to our weaker instincts and do things that we normally would not do as rational, adult women.

Answer these questions honestly, yes or no.

Results will be given at the bottom of this little quiz to see if you have ever been a “stalker”, or are having a hard time letting go of a person.

1.      You have blocked your number and dialed a man’s phone number and immediately hung up, just to hear his voice and get a “rush”.  (You may have then spent hours or days analyzing his tone of voice and/or the background noises present during that split second call).

2.      You have logged onto match or myspace under a pseudo name just to check his profile and any activity on his account.

3.      You have gone out of your way to do “drive-by’s” past his work, his home, and his haunts just to see if there have been any changes in his movements or habits.

4.      You know his movements and habits so well that if he is not at any of the places listed in Item 3, above, you panic when he is not within his normal routine.

5.      You have accessed his cell phone account and looked up every number he has called through the web and those that you could not identify, you rang, as in Item 1 above.

6.      You have actually spent time trying to crack his password on his email, voicemail, myspace or match account.

7.      You show up at his “usual” haunts trying to behave as if you would be there “anyway”, but you know, in reality, you are only there in the hopes of bumping into him and creating an interaction that would not otherwise occur.

8.      You have run a “background” check on him through the web to try to pin down any information about him that you may not have already gathered, and you paid good money for it.

9.      You pump any mutual friends or acquaintances that you have for information, in what you believe is a seemingly “casual” way, and subsequently follow up on any “leads” you may get as to his current activity.

10.  You have conducted your own “stake-out” of his home, work place, or favorite haunts.

Here are your scores

If you answered yes to question 1, you are not alone.  This is a common practice among American Women of all ages, and can easily be explained away as a Freudian Slip, or an accidental dial.  Repeatedly indulging in question one behavior, however, can indicate a problem.

If you answered yes to question 2, you’re still in the realm of the average curiosity level of the American Female, although the information you gain by doing so may only serve to hurt your feelings.

If you answered yes to number 3, you are starting to get a little bit higher onto the Stalker Scale of possessiveness, and plotting his movements in this manner is wasting your time and feeding your obsession.  You really should go out of your way to not drive by these locations.

A combination of items one, two and three is beginning to put you into stalker mode, and you really should try to stop.

If you answered yes to number 4, you are climbing the Stalker Scale and hurting yourself more than anyone.  Stop here.  The only thing that will happen with this knowledge is that you will hurt yourself.

If you answered yes to number 5, you are well on your way to topping out on the Stalker Scale.  You are invading his privacy and could well face criminal charges if you get caught.  Stop immediately.  Let go.

If you answered yes to number 6, you are on a path to self-destruction, and if caught, again, you could face criminal charges and public humiliation.  Please stop.

If you answered yes to number 7, you are in “chase” mode with this man, and the only thing that your presence and persistence will do is make the man react by pulling farther away.  It is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Putting yourself squarely in his path at every opportunity is NOT going to make him realize that he misses you and that he wants more with you.  Your elusiveness will do more to fan his flames of desire more than anything else.

Answering yes to number 8 is pure stalking, you are not going to find any sense of relief or gratification in the information that you find.  Let go.

If you answered yes to number 9, you are being blatantly obvious, and again, you are in chase mode.

Answering yes to number 10 indicates that you are at risk of having a restraining order placed against you, if the male in question is so inclined, and you are running the risk of discovery.

Count up your answers to the positive.  On a scale of one to ten, the higher your score, the more obsessive your behavior.  Love can lead to madness, but there is no need to torture yourself and risk criminal charges over a male whose behavior drives you to such lengths.

If you score a zero, you a very healthy and secure woman, and probably had no interest in even reading this blog.

If you score one to three, you are exhibiting insecurity on a level that is about average when a relationship is not progressing as you would like.

If you score three to six, you are beginning to exhibit signs of obsession and should really examine this relationship and how it is hurting you, not adding to your life, but reducing the quality of your life.

If you score above six, you are in danger of losing yourself and your self-esteem by placing your focus on an outside source for gratification and you need to begin to look inside.  You are also in danger of having criminal charges placed against you should the person you are doing this to feel that you have violated their privacy in this manner.

Rather than spending time and energy in these ill-fated pursuits, try moving forward and living the life that you have always imagined yourself living.  Pick up a new hobby, pick up a new man, redefine yourself, change your style, focus on yourself and not this person on the outside who is being so inattentive as to cause you to behave a bit irrationally.

Need Help Letting Go?  Contact Brigid Bishop

When the One We Love Is With Someone Else

When the One We Love Is With Someone Else

by Brigid Bishop 

Nothing is more painful than being fully aware that the one we love is involved with someone else.  It can manifest in many ways, we may find out that our loved one was unfaithful or we may be “on a break” and they are investigating other opportunities, or it may be conclusively over and they are moving on.

Regardless of the circumstances, it hurts and we suffer and grieve.

I always recommend that when any of us are suffering this type of emotional turmoil that we are sure to watch for signs of clinical depression and to seek professional medical help if we suspect we may be afflicted.

Now, how do we deal with it?

Well, first of all, you must examine the reality of what type of a relationship you had in the first place.  Was it a friendship, an infatuation, were you just dating casually, were you boyfriend and girlfriend for a few months, were you involved for a few years? 

Measure the reality of the connection. 

Your emotional response should be directly proportionate to the type of connection that you had, if it is an excessively emotional response, you may need to seek professional guidance.  If you had a true relationship, for six months or more, you are going to hurt like heck, and of course, the longer the relationship, the more it is going to hurt.

You examined your situation and you find that it was a true relationship of significant length and your significant other is dating someone new. 

You know, without a doubt, that the man you were actively loving just a month or two ago is seeing another woman, (or insert genders as they apply to you). 

It hurts.  It makes you sick.  It makes you angry.

Who is the first person you are usually angry at for this?  Yourself?  No, not usually.  Your estranged partner?  No, you are usually too busy missing them and feeling the pain of their absence.  The new person they are seeing?  Yes.  That’s it.  Now you’ve got it.

Our initial reaction to the new person is that they are the evilest, most scheming, most conniving, no-good interloper on the face of the earth.  When we call an advisor we ask questions about her like “Is she after his money”, “Is she sexually immoral”, “Is she trying to use him”, etc., etc., etc.  We are trying to identify at least one major flaw in the new entity that will reassure us that this new relationship is on shaky ground and that he can’t really have feelings for her, he must just be with her just for sex, or whatever we convince ourselves it is. 

Although sometimes the above conditions may apply, it is infrequent at best.  The truth is that usually and customarily our estranged partner finds the new individual to be attractive in some way, feels good around them and wants to get to know them better.  It can be a temporary situation, or it can develop into something serious between them, and we frequently ask our metaphysical advisors what it looks like and we answer as honestly as possible.

Sometimes the new relationship looks like it will not bloom, that it is a transitional stage that either will lead our lost love back to us, as they realize as feelings do not develop for the new person that they still love us.  Sometimes the new relationship does look like it will grow and develop.  Sometimes the new relationship looks like it is just a transitional thing until our ex is fully our ex and moves on.  We look for answers and we hope for the best.

REGARDLESS of what the answers we divine together are, there are several key factors that you should try to focus on in order to ease your pain and provide yourself with the best emotional and psychological viewpoint to cope with this situation.

1)      Energy.  Don’t waste your energy trying to make the new person the villain.  The new entity may well be unaware of you, may not even know your name and is not out to hurt you specifically.  The new person is just living their life and happens to have crossed the path of the same person you care for during a time when an opportunity exists for them to get involved with your ex.  (This does not apply to cheating situations whereby your partner left you to be with them, we are talking about breaks without outside interference).

2)      Focus.  Remove your focus from your ex (and the new person).  Whether or not your readings tell you that your ex is returning, you must set it in your mind that at this point in time your lover is not yours, you are two separate people living separate lives.  Focus on yourself.  Focus on pushing yourself to move forward no matter how difficult.

3)      Break.  Make it a clean break.  The MOST difficult breakups are those that are not “clean”.  The rubber banding back and forth during an “unclean break” is sheer torture emotionally and psychologically.  They call it a break up because it is broken.  Clean breaks mend faster.

4)      Move.  Move on, move forward.  Let go.  Live your life, don’t try to be a voyeur into their life.

5)      Reality.  Live in reality.  Don’t try to create an illusion for your ex hoping that he is watching.  In 99% of cases he is doing all of the above and not focused on you, so don’t waste energy sending yourself flowers or trying to make your estranged partner jealous over an imaginary new man in your life, instead, get out there and meet a few new men for real!

The worst case scenario is that he will develop a new relationship and yours will be over for good.  In this event, if you have done all that you need to do, you will be well-socialized and already beginning to heal and move on. 

The best case scenario is that he will have felt the absence of your energy, found that his feelings for you prevent him from forming a significant new bond with the new person and he returns wanting you back in his life.  In this instance, if you have done all of the above, you will be able to make an emotionally intelligent decision about whether or not you even want him back.

If you do take him back, you need to be sure that you are able to put aside any negative feelings that may still remain, or perhaps resurface, when you think of the fact that he was with someone else during your break.  This can be difficult and we will discuss this in a future blog.

All Exes Do Not Return.

All Break Ups Are Not Permanent.

Why Men Are Like Buses!

Why Men Are Like Buses!

I have mentioned this quote from a wise woman in one of my other blogs, but I think it worthy of expounding on the analogy.

It’s funny that while I was married to my first husband I did not fully appreciate the wisdom of my first mother-in-law, alas, we live and we learn.

When I was divorcing her son after our eight year long marriage I was having coffee with her while she was paying a visit to see my two sons, her beloved grandchildren, and we were speaking about the difficulties encountered in relationships.  It may have been one of the best conversations we ever had over the years that we were family.

Anyway, I was twenty-nine years old at the time, and she actually did support my decision to divorce her son.

Her sage advice was this, and I quote, “Brigid, men are like buses, you stand on the corner long enough and another one comes along”.  At the time I burst out laughing because I couldn’t believe that she was actually saying this to me!  Her future EX-daughter-in-law! 

Think about it though.

It is true.

Men ARE like buses.

Ok, so we have a regular bus (man) we like to ride, (lol), and one day we are heading to that same corner to wait for that good old dependable bus (man) to roll down the street toward us, and for some unforeseeable reason, we MISS the bus (man)!

Now this could take the form of many causations here, remember this is an analogy.  Maybe we broke it off, they broke it off, he didn’t call, whatever…but we missed the bus (man).

So what to do?

Our first impulse is to begin running down the street after the bus (man) regardless of whether we are in our high heels or our Keds and try to catch that bus we just missed!  What happens nine times out of ten when you chase a bus down the street?

You got it.  Nothing.  We end up out of breath and a block or so away from the stop where the next bus (man) will cruise by.

Most of us learn to calmly walk back to the bus (man) stop and just wait for the next bus (man) to come by.  MOST of us.

Some of us are so obsessed with having that particular bus (man) that we may chase the bus for ten blocks, or, God forbid, all the way to our original destination!  What happens then?  Well, if we can run that far and have that much endurance, our feet will blister, we’ll be disheveled and tired, and guess what?  The bus (man) turns around and goes back the other way to continue its’ route!

What happens if we just walk on back to the original bus (man) stop?

Just like my good old ex-mother-in-law said those many, many years ago…

Another bus (man) comes by.

Want to know what’s going on at your bus (man) station?

Contact Brigid Bishop for a professional and ethical Tarot Reading so that you can stop chasing buses (men) and start enjoying the ride!

 Copyright 2008 Brigid Bishop

Expect More, Pay Less

Expect More, Pay Less

No, this isn’t a “Target” commercial, I’m just borrowing their catch phrase for this little blog.

I took a break at 10 p.m. tonight to watch Law and Order SVU, one of my favorite shows, (actually an addiction of mine), and this over-used phrase came up on a Target Commercial and it made me think of some of my clients, and the discomfort they are going through.

Right now I have no less than three dozen clients who are going through difficulties in relationships, and are paying their “relationship dues”. 

I want them to concentrate on this phrase.

“Expect More, Pay Less”.

Now, each of you who is a client of mine and is reading this may think that I am writing this directly for you, however, I am not writing this for any one individual, I am writing it to you as a conglomerate.  It may help you to know that you are not alone, this message is for many of you to consider.

Okay, back to the phrase.

“Expect More, Pay Less”.

Right now you may be in any one of these phases; waiting for him to call, waiting for him to ask you out, waiting for him to come back, etc., but you are not happy.  You are expecting very little.  A phone call or an email just to get validation that he knows you are still in existence.

For this emotional state you are paying an extremely high toll.  You may be one, or any combination of the following; anxious, depressed, worried, sad, hopeful, nervous, lonely, angry, etc.

This price is too high.

My message to you, my dear friends, is….

EXPECT MORE, PAY LESS!!!

Don’t be putting your self-esteem down the drain by checking your email hourly to see if there is some innocuous message from him!

Don’t cruise “myspace” to see who his newest friends are!!

Don’t cruise “match” to see if his listing is active!!!

Don’t run to the phone to check the caller id each time it rings!!!

Don’t check for a dial tone!!!

Don’t panic if you leave the house to run to the store and forget your cell phone!!!!

EXPECT that he will call, but don’t have your life revolving around it.

EXPECT that he will ask you out, but date others until he does!

EXPECT that he will treat you with care, concern and respect for your feelings, and if he doesn’t, RUN, don’t walk away.

Expect that he will realize what a wonderful human being that you are and that you are totally lovable and that you deserve to be treated well, and he will!  If he does not, he’s not worth the emotional price.

When you start EXPECTING to be treated correctly, you will stop PAYING SO MUCH emotionally.

Is a three sentence email or a forwarded joke to a mass mailing list worth wasting the time running to your computer?

Is a phone call that is slow in coming worth wasting four nights out of the week anxiously sitting by your phone, waiting, when you could be out doing something you enjoy?

NO!

EXPECT MORE, PAY LESS!!!!

Please give these four little words some serious consideration.

Peace!

Brigid Bishop

Visit Brigid Bishop For Assistance in Expecting More!

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

.  This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part

If You Can’t Be With The One You Love, Love The One You’re With (But Not TOO Long)!

The Proper “Usage” of the Transitional Man

Okay girls, we’ve all had them.  These are the guys that we spend time with in between our major love relationships.  They serve as a bridge from breaking up to making up, or new love.

Frequently they are the guys that we consider to be “friends”, but who have a deeper interest in us.  Oh, come on, don’t lie or try to fool yourself, your lunch time buddy at work who always wants you to meet up with him for a drinkie poo after work and listens to all your cares and concerns about your romantic misadventures is frequently one of these “friends” and may well be lending an ear to get closer to some of YOUR body parts.

Or he’s the guy you met on the internet dating service that looks great on paper, (or online), but just doesn’t have that “chemistry” we need.

Sometimes he’s the guy that chases and pursues us when our egos are bruised and eventually we just give in because hell, it feels good to be appreciated.

But just the same, a key ingredient to the potion that causes us to “fall in love” is missing. 

We’re out there.

We’re accepting that our relationship with our beloved is over and we are moving on.

Remember, the term “Transitional Man” applies to that gentleman whom we are dating, casually, but not likely to form a permanent relationship with because although he may be a great guy, he’s just not in possession of the qualities that we need.

A mistake women frequently make while utilizing the growth period of “transition between relationships” is to try to force a round peg into a square hole and make a “Transitional Man” into the “Significant Other”. 

Oh, I’ve done it myself.

After my divorce back in 1992 I dated, with full intent of only allowing the guy to be Mr. Transition a fellow that I KNEW was all wrong for me.  He was the extreme opposite of my ex-husband, and very irresponsible in his lifestyle, he was also the extreme opposite of me, but, unfortunately, I just let myself become “comfortable” with him as I was too lazy to move on and I ended up wasting five years in a relationship that should have expired after about six months.

Why did I allow this to happen?

Well, I was a newly divorced single mother with two preschoolers, almost impossible to get out and meet new people as I was struggling to survive, let alone afford a babysitter on any kind of regular basis, and this was pre-internet dating (boy, I sure would’ve shopped around more had that been available), and I kind of just “settled” for keeping company with him.

It was easy.

He would come to my house when I couldn’t come out.

He would eat my food.

He would watch my TV.

He would use anything I had around the house for his own comfort and convenience.

What he DIDN’T do was get a job.

He DIDN’T help me with the kids.

He DIDN’T grow up and behave responsibly.

I noticed, but I didn’t care because it staved off loneliness, and as I said, it was easy.

While he lay around at his mother’s house during the day collecting workmen’s compensation for an injury that should have been a day or two off (he still doesn’t work by the way), I was out building my career as an Operations Manager at a Printing Corporation AND paying top dollar for daycare and babysitting.

When I came home from work he would somehow manage to show up at my house right around the time dinner was being served and mooch a free meal.

He was kind to my kids, but more like a big, Baby Huey than a father figure.

I never let him sleep over because of my children, so he was gone by eleven at night.

Was he committed?  Well, it depends on your definition.  Exclusive physically to me, yes, Committed, NO!!!

So anyway, one day, while I was purchasing my home in 1996 (by myself, for me and my kids), I realized that I had got caught up and trapped in transition!  I had never moved forward successfully into a new and healthy relationship with a new partner, I had just stayed “in transition” for five years.  Had I been in a truly committed relationship I wouldn’t be buying a home by myself, I would’ve been buying it with a life partner.

I ended it that week.

The way I should have handled that situation was that I should have, after a six month period, realized that I was not in love with this guy, I was just comfortable with his company and living by the Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young Anthem of “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with”.

I never truly loved that guy.

I liked him.

I was not physically, chemically or sexually attracted to him, but exposing myself to his company over time allowed him to “grow on me”, (like a fungus), so that I did bond to him, but I never loved him.

He did not have the same type of life goals as me, he did not have any ambition, and he did not match well with me in any area except that of enjoying spending leisure time together (hell, all he had was leisure time).

So the lesson here is, while you are in between relationships, or just recently coming out of a relationship, please be sure to use your time with a “Transitional Man” wisely and learn to RECOGNIZE that the guy’s purpose in your life may not be to become your life partner, but just to keep you company for a little while until you DO find your next Significant Other.

When that little sick feeling inside you comes up when you are wondering if the guy is right for you, listen to it, don’t ignore it, and don’t just let things ride because they are comfortable and familiar, step back and choose wisely.  Don’t be afraid to end it with your “Transitional Man”.  Every man you date IS NOT a potential life mate, they are few in number and they will not evoke that sick “should I keep seeing this guy even though he hasn’t had a job in six months” feeling.

In my case, my irresponsible transitional man made me feel youthful again at the age of twenty-nine after my marriage to my ex-husband had made me feel like I was a century old, and I got charmed by his sheer lack of responsibility to the world, even though I was an extremely responsible woman.  What I didn’t realize was that he had no responsibility to me, either, and I needed someone who would choose to be responsible to me as well.  I did find him, but hell, I kissed a lot of frogs that were passing through.

Is your current guy just a “Transitional Man” or is he “The Real Thing”. 

  

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Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

.  This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part