Why? Why? Why Won’t He…?????

This is a Professional Tarot Reader’s ongoing dilemma.

Some clients just cannot or will not understand why the object of their affections does not respond to them according to the script that they have written and playing out in their head.

A client, for whatever reason, is hung up on the ever-elusive and “unobtainable” man.

They contact a Professional Tarot Reader and ask a myriad of questions concerning the connection now and in the future between themselves and the object of their desire.

The Tarot communicates to the Reader and the Querent that at this time this desired partner is “just not into you” and is doing their own thing and may continue to do so indefinitely.

The emotionally stable and reasonable client will likely accept that information, perhaps they will ask a reasonable question such as “Is there anything I can do to change the situation” and the cards are consulted again and a yes or no answer is revealed, along with a suggested course of action if the answer happens to be yes.  If a no answer is received, the reasonable and stable (albeit disappointed) client will lick their emotional wounds and let go and move on to greener pastures, but not all clients are able to do so quite so easily.

There are clients out their, who, for whatever reason, fail to comprehend that they are not the center of the universe and that the object of their desires is in no way, shape or form going to satisfy their wants and needs, they just aren’t concerned with doing so and are busy going about the business of living their own lives and satisfying their own wants and needs.

Case in Point:

Female client calls about man who has recently ceased dating her to pursue an alternate relationship path and was up front and honest about severing the relationship and his pursuit of another female.  Period.  Client calls Professional Tarot Reader to ask as to whether or not there is any chance of a future reconnection.  Tarot provides insight that indicates if the situation is allowed time to unfold, that the alternate relationship will fail, and in time, the gentleman in question will revisit the original relationship.  An approximated time frame of two months is estimated by the interpretation of the Tarot.

This is not unheard of, and is frequently a correct diagnosis of situations like this, the Tarot tends to be very accurate when the situations it is used to interpret are left to unravel under their own energies and no free will actions are taken to attempt to change the outcome of the situation at hand.  When actions are taken that were not implied during the initial reading the outcome can and will change.

Although any client would feel slightly disappointed at this reading, they would feel that there was some room for keeping the possibility open in their mind and move on and forward releasing the energy and the man involved, seeking alternate companionship and socialization and allowing time to reveal the outcome.

But, there are clients, who are not satisfied with this answer and want to know “Why?”.

Why what?  Why isn’t this man returning immediately, why is he pursuing the other woman, why isn’t he missing her right now, ad naseum.

Well, for each additonal question of “Why?” asked, the Professional Tarot Reader will throw a spread and answer.  Why isn’t he returning immediately?  He is currently interested in building the relationship with the other woman.  Why is he pursuing her in the first place?  He is attracted to her and would like to get to know her better.  Why isn’t he missing you right now?  Because his energy and interest is with the other woman, he is not focused on you.

It is uncomfortable to have to point out the obvious to a client who needs to know why, but Professional Tarot Readers must do so every day.  The client may not like the answers, and a Professional will deliver them as gently as possible, however, it is still not pleasant to have to reiterate a less than perfect situation.

The problems with a client like this arise when they can’t just allow the situation to evolve, but feel that they must take some course of action to change things, usually against the advice of the Reader and the Tarot.

Case In Point:

Same scenario as above.

Woman now begins to cyber stalk the man in question and “bump into him” on sites, IM, etc.

The man in question again reiterates to the woman that he is not interested, yet the woman, not satisfied with a polite no, now escalates in desperation and communicates to the man “I don’t mind if we don’t date, can we just be friends?  Let’s keep in touch, etc. etc.”  When in all actuality it is abundantly clear that she would never be satisfied with a platonic connection, that is just her scheme to stay close enough to him to be ready to pounce on him for relationship fodder at the very first opportunity.

So, the male in question becomes passive and issues no response to the woman at all.  When next she stalks him out on IM and begins trying to chat with him, he is totally unresponsive.  Disappears from sites when she logs in and totally avoids her.

She calls a her Professional Tarot Reader again and again, asks “Why?”.

Obviously, a Tarot Reading is not necessary for an analysis of this situation, but the client is accomodated and the cards display that he does not wish to pursue a connection with her at this time, romantic or platonic.  Again she asks “Why?”.

The cards are thrown again and they validate that the male feels a sense of pressure or “neediness” coming from the woman’s energy and wishes to avoid it so as not to have to hurt her feelings.

She then again, cannot accept that answer and asks “Why?”  “I told him we don’t have to be anything romantic, we can just be friends, I just want him to define our relationship for me, why won’t he do that?”

Again, the man is NOT INTERESTED in a relationship with her at this time, and DEFINING that non-existent relationship, even as “platonic friends”, makes him feel that he has a relationship of some sort with this woman, and he does NOT WANT a relationship with her.

In as gentle a way as possible this is again explained to the client.

You can lay down a trail for a prospective love interest, make it as clear and defined as possible, but, if the feelings and energies required are absent, the trail will be abandoned so that the interest can blaze his own trail, the one his heart makes him forge out on his own.

“Why?”

A simple three letter word, a one word question, but one of the most difficult questions a Professional Tarot Reader must answer at times.

Understanding the “Why?” is not a necessary part of successful living in a stituation like this.  A client like this would be well served to look on the inside and ask “Why?” they cannot let go of a person that has no vested interest in them so that they will be free to move forward to a person who WILL want to be with them.

That’s “Why?”.

Copyright © 2009 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact Brigid Bishop@gmail.com if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.

I AM NOT YOUR SCRUBBING BUBBLE!

I AM NOT YOUR SCRUBBING BUBBLE!

Remember those old bathroom foam cleaning commercials with the little scrubbing bubbles calling out “We work hard so you don’t have toooooooo……” as they spun down the drain?

Think about them the next time a person in your life, be it an adult son or daughter, sister, brother, lover or husband tries to force you into the role of “enabler” in their life.  Just conjure up that image in your mind, think of yourself being sucked down the drain of codependency, and say “NO”.

They might be asking you to add them to your cell phone plan, lend them money, clean their apartment for them, let them use your car, buy them groceries, forgive them for not holding to their word for the umpteenth time, or any one of the thousands of manipulative forms of assistance they seek when they are just too dysfunctional to behave like responsible adults.

Codependent relationships are not limited to substance abusers and their kin, they are real and alive in every relationship dynamic out there.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with helping your loved ones, nothing at all, the question is, is your loved one doing the work required to help themselves?

Are they just a little short on cash, or have they been unemployed for a lengthy period of time, or unable to manage their cash flow or hold a job?  Everyone comes up short on occasion, especially in the current economy, but some of us are scrubbing bubbles and some of us are not.

If you are working diligently every day and using your resources wisely, why should you take your hard earned cash and hand it over to the adult child who has not been gainfully employed in six months?

When you saved regularly when times were good and paid all your bills on time and your significant other played and partied and scattered his funds to the wind without setting up a reserve, why should you add him to your cell phone plan when his is shut off and increase your monthly debt?

When your husband golfed all summer and bought himself new clubs, a new bag, nice equipment and turned down overtime to do so and finds himself short on the car payment, should you take money out of your pocket and make up the difference?

Absolutely not!

Taking care of yourself and your own responsibilities and ensuring that your resources are allotted as you budget is not selfish, it’s wise and healthy.

Will your loved one have problems because you don’t help them out?  Probably, but if they are an adult, they need to solve their problems for themselves, you are not their “rescuer”.

It is not your job to make them happy! That is a job that every man (and woman) must do for themselves!

Stop being an enabler!  Will you lose the love of your significant other if you do not let him borrow your car and use up all of your gas to run errands?  NO! If you do, you never had it!

Remember, “I am NOT your Scrubbing Bubble!”

You work hard so that you can enrich your own life, you don’t work hard so that your adult child, lover, husband or friend DOESN’T have to!

Please do not make the mistake of thinking that providing your loved with their own private “bail out” is going to make them grateful, thankful or respectful.  Quite the opposite is true.  When a normal healthy adult knows that they can come to you and just dump all of their troubles on your doorstep and you start “scrubbing them away” for them when they should be cleaning up their own mess, the only thing that is going to happen is you will find yourself endlessly scrubbing that doorstep as more and more and more problems will find their way onto your stoop.

The loved one now knows that he or she can manipulate you.  Your adult daughter can’t afford daycare?  Grandma will either babysit or pay for it.  Think about it.  If she has the money for a weekly manicure at the beauty salon, why should you pay for her daycare expenses?

The boyfriend who has lost yet another job and still can’t pay his half of the rent happily takes a few weeks off to “chill” before launching his next job search is perfectly comfortable sleeping until noon and playing video games and surfing facebook all day while you are up at six to leave for your full time job that you’ve had for four years?  He never seems to quite “catch up” with his half of the expenses.  Why?  Because YOU WORK HARD SO HE DOESN’T HAVE TO! Is that why you are working so hard?  I think not.

Hold your adult loved ones to the same standard that you hold yourself.  No exceptions, no excuses and you will find yourself having happier and healthier adult-to-adult relationships.

Copyright © 2009 Brigid Bishop

.  This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part

Please Visit www.brigidbishop.com if you would like to contact her for a Life Coaching Session, Contact Information and Call Button are located on the “Tarot Reading by Brigid Bishop” page.

When the One We Love Is With Someone Else

When the One We Love Is With Someone Else

by Brigid Bishop

Nothing is more painful than being fully aware that the one we love is involved with someone else.  It can manifest in many ways, we may find out that our loved one was unfaithful or we may be “on a break” and they are investigating other opportunities, or it may be conclusively over and they are moving on.

Regardless of the circumstances, it hurts and we suffer and grieve.

I always recommend that when any of us are suffering this type of emotional turmoil that we are sure to watch for signs of clinical depression and to seek professional medical help if we suspect we may be afflicted.

Now, how do we deal with it?

Well, first of all, you must examine the reality of what type of a relationship you had in the first place.  Was it a friendship, an infatuation, were you just dating casually, were you boyfriend and girlfriend for a few months, were you involved for a few years?

Measure the reality of the connection.

Your emotional response should be directly proportionate to the type of connection that you had, if it is an excessively emotional response, you may need to seek professional guidance.  If you had a true relationship, for six months or more, you are going to hurt like heck, and of course, the longer the relationship, the more it is going to hurt.

You examined your situation and you find that it was a true relationship of significant length and your significant other is dating someone new.

You know, without a doubt, that the man you were actively loving just a month or two ago is seeing another woman, (or insert genders as they apply to you).

It hurts.  It makes you sick.  It makes you angry.

Who is the first person you are usually angry at for this? Yourself?  No, not usually.  Your estranged partner?  No, you are usually too busy missing them and feeling the pain of their absence.  The new person they are seeing?  Yes.  That’s it.  Now you’ve got it.

Our initial reaction to the new person is that they are the evilest, most scheming, most conniving, no-good interloper on the face of the earth.  When we call an advisor we ask questions about her like “Is she after his money”, “Is she sexually immoral”, “Is she trying to use him”, etc., etc., etc.  We are trying to identify at least one major flaw in the new entity that will reassure us that this new relationship is on shaky ground and that he can’t really have feelings for her, he must just be with her just for sex, or whatever we convince ourselves it is.

Although sometimes the above conditions may apply, it is infrequent at best.  The truth is that usually and customarily our estranged partner finds the new individual to be attractive in some way, feels good around them and wants to get to know them better.  It can be a temporary situation, or it can develop into something serious between them, and we frequently ask our metaphysical advisors what it looks like and we answer as honestly as possible.

Sometimes the new relationship looks like it will not bloom, that it is a transitional stage that either will lead our lost love back to us, as they realize as feelings do not develop for the new person that they still love us.  Sometimes the new relationship does look like it will grow and develop.  Sometimes the new relationship looks like it is just a transitional thing until our ex is fully our ex and moves on.  We look for answers and we hope for the best.

REGARDLESS of what the answers we divine together are, there are several key factors that you should try to focus on in order to ease your pain and provide yourself with the best emotional and psychological viewpoint to cope with this situation.

1)      Energy.  Don’t waste your energy trying to make the new person the villain.  The new entity may well be unaware of you, may not even know your name and is not out to hurt you specifically.  The new person is just living their life and happens to have crossed the path of the same person you care for during a time when an opportunity exists for them to get involved with your ex.  (This does not apply to cheating situations whereby your partner left you to be with them, we are talking about breaks without outside interference).

2)      Focus. Remove your focus from your ex (and the new person).  Whether or not your readings tell you that your ex is returning, you must set it in your mind that at this point in time your lover is not yours, you are two separate people living separate lives.  Focus on yourself.  Focus on pushing yourself to move forward no matter how difficult.

3)      Break. Make it a clean break.  The MOST difficult breakups are those that are not “clean”.  The rubber banding back and forth during an “unclean break” is sheer torture emotionally and psychologically.  They call it a break up because it is broken.  Clean breaks mend faster.

4)      Move. Move on, move forward.  Let go.  Live your life, don’t try to be a voyeur into their life.

5)      Reality. Live in reality.  Don’t try to create an illusion for your ex hoping that he is watching.  In 99% of cases he is doing all of the above and not focused on you, so don’t waste energy sending yourself flowers or trying to make your estranged partner jealous over an imaginary new man in your life, instead, get out there and meet a few new men for real!

The worst case scenario is that he will develop a new relationship and yours will be over for good.  In this event, if you have done all that you need to do, you will be well-socialized and already beginning to heal and move on.

The best case scenario is that he will have felt the absence of your energy, found that his feelings for you prevent him from forming a significant new bond with the new person and he returns wanting you back in his life.  In this instance, if you have done all of the above, you will be able to make an emotionally intelligent decision about whether or not you even want him back.

If you do take him back, you need to be sure that you are able to put aside any negative feelings that may still remain, or perhaps resurface, when you think of the fact that he was with someone else during your break.  This can be difficult and we will discuss this in a future blog.

All Exes Do Not Return.

All Break Ups Are Not Permanent.

Copyright © 2008 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author at brigidbishop@gmail.com if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.

Meet Jillian and The Rest of My Furbabies!

What Women Want

Stop, Drop and Roll!

Are You a Masculine or Feminine Energy Female?

Ok, this one is for the girls, women, divas, ladies out there………especially those who are experiencing “Relationship Issues” and looking for some insight into what is causing these issues to arise.  This should prove useful to the men among our readership as well, as the male can be either a masculine or feminine Primary Energy as well, so I guess this is for just about anyone examining their relationship!

In all relationships there needs to be balance.  In all relationships there are multiple energies flowing.  One of the core energies in any romantic relationship is the anima/animus, the yin and yang, the masculine and feminine energies.

How do you know which energy is your Primary Energy?

First, let us examine what you want and expect from a relationship.

Do you want to feel a sense of  your partner being on your side, a sense of inclusiveness, a sense of protection, a sense of your feelings being recognized and validated?

Do you want to express yourself in terms of how you feel?

Is it important to you that your feelings are being considered?

Do you tend to look at things in terms of what you “Don’t Want” instead of what you “Want”.

This is a very simplistic boil down to a feminine energy being.

If, on the other hand you wish primarily for your partner to respect you, leave everything up to you, if you wish to have control over your relationship, the pace it grows at, the things that you do as a couple, the social circle you frequent, and more than anything you want your partner to look at you as a competent individual and you feel it is of primary importance that your partner respects your thoughts on any given subject and trusts you to make the right choices and you look at life in terms of what you “Want” rather than what you “Don’t Want”, then your primary energy is that of a male energy being.

Everyone is a mixture of both.

A good tool to determine what your Natural Primary Energy is, is to examine your Natal Astrology Chart. (I can help you with that when you call if you have your time, date and city of birth).

By examining the natal placements of your Sun, Moon, Venus, Mercury and Mars, and reviewing your Rising Sign, we can get a good feel for which of these energies is primary in your outward personality.

Which are you letting show to your partner or your current interest?  (Again, you Natal Astrology Chart can help us a great deal).

At the beginning of any relationship you are defining your primary energy and you are setting the tone for the life of the relationship.

If you are a Feminine Female then you want your partner to consider your feelings, so you must express yourself in terms of “I feel” and “I don’t want….”.  The feminine energy, like the Suit of Cups in Tarot is Passive and Receptive which means, if you want your feelings validated and considered you need to take a passive and receptive approach to your relationship.  Being a Feminine Female makes a Masculine Energy Male the correct “type” for you.  This is the man who wants to be respected and trusted and wants you to think him capable and competent.

For instance, if it is the beginning of getting to know a guy and he fails to call you within what you think is a comfortable amount of time you DO NOT pick up the phone and call or text him (or email him).  You wait it out.  It is uncomfortable, but that is what you do.  When the gentleman does call, your proper response as the feminine energy is something like this, “Oh, hi, I was feeling kind of disappointed when you didn’t call me, I don’t want to be assuming we connected if we didn’t.  I’m glad to hear from you.  What’s up?” Your role in assuming your feminine energy role is to simply and passively reject or accept his behavior.  Nothing more, nothing less.  By expressing how you feel you are putting your femininity out there for him to nurture.

This notifies the male that your feelings are important to you and his behavior caused you to feel a little insecure, and a masculine energy male will “step up” and validate those feelings for you, without you doing a thing more.  He now knows what you don’t want, and will try his best not to disappoint you again in order to gain your trust.

Now, if you are a Masculine Female and you find yourself on the waiting end of a telephone line, it is an entirely different scenario.  First of all, your match is a Feminine Energy Male. These males tend to be the dreamy, creative type, not the traditional male.  They frequently are artists, writers, carpenters, creators in some way.  The Masculine Female wants her thoughts and opinions considered first, before her feelings, she is a “take-charge” kind of girl.

She knows what she wants and she goes after it.

The Feminine Male is the passive one.  He wants his feelings validated.  Although outwardly, he may be very masculine in appearance, his Primary Energy is feminine, which means, the woman is the one actively “in charge” of the relationship.

In this case, the woman should pick up the phone and give him a ring and invite him out, something like this, “I think we really should get together soon.  How’s Friday night for wings for you?”.  It’s role reversal and it will work for the energies if you are both in your Natural Primary Energy roles.

Ok, so now you know you want to be the feminine energy, you feel it, and you believe that the man you are interested in is a masculine energy male.  You’ve started out okay, but now he is not initiating.

What do you do?

Nothing.

Sorry girls, but the moment you pick up that phone and call that masculine energy guy you are delaying any kind of commitment or progress by months, possibly years.

The conundrum you inadvertently create is that now you have two masculine energies interacting, you have “effeminized” yourself.  Now that man you are interested in thinks that your feelings do not need to be validated.  You are now “one of the guys” and fair game to ignore your feelings and not cherish them.

Is this what you want?

If you are truly a feminine energy woman, NO, you do not.

I don’t know if this makes any sense to you at all, but it boils down to the very arcane (yet true) fact that men are hunters.  If they don’t need to pursue you, they will simply take it for granted that you will be available to them whenever they are in the mood for your company.  They will not nurture the connection along, so ladies, PATIENCE is a virtue afterall!

If you are unsure of which energy role you have assumed or if you feel that you may have “messed up” a bit, give me a call and we can take a look at where your situation is at and I can assist you in getting it “back on track“.

More on this, and the different ways masculine and feminine energies communicate and view sex and life in general can be found throughout my many blogs scattered all over the internet and here on Keen under the heading “Brigid Bishop, Relationship Coach“.

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact Brigid Bishop via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.

Surviving an Affair

Why do People Cheat?

Why do People Cheat?

Let’s start with women.

There is a misconception out there that men cheat more frequently than females.  In my personal observations I find this to be untrue.  I receive just as many calls from women who are being unfaithful to their husbands and significant others as I do from women who are involved with a man who is either married or seriously involved with another woman.

I do find that when women cheat, they are prone to cheat at a higher percentage due to dissatisfaction with the current primary relationship in hopes that the new lover will provide them with what is missing in that primary relationship.  More women than men seem to venture into cheating situations to find their next serious relationship.

Some women, a minority, cheat for the pure excitement and recreational sex, but these are women with very strong masculine energies.  They look at the extracurricular relationship as just that, and have no intentions of turning it into a real relationship.

Personally, I believe that it is best (and healthiest), if you are looking for a new relationship, to end the primary relationship before becoming involved with a new lover, and this is simply to avoid the complications and obstacles that the cheating itself brings about.

When a man has a relationship with a woman outside of her marriage or primary relationship a lot of factors go into why he is doing it.  Of course, it is possible that he is falling in love and that he wants a relationship with you as much as you do with him, but, again, this is a rarity.

If the “Other Man” is single and fully unattached, he may want more with you, he may be one who wants you to end your primary relationship and launch a full-blown relationship with him.

How can you tell?

He will pressure you to leave your partner, he will ask you straight out “When are you going to end it so we can be together”.  It’s that simple.  He will also be there for you in other ways, perhaps he encourages you to move out of your home or provides financial assistance.  If you lover wants to become your number one, you will not have to ask, you will know.

If he is not exhibiting any of the aforementioned behaviors, then he is most likely enjoying the convenience of having a woman in his life without the obligation or commitment a normal relationship would require, and if you truly are looking for your next “real” relationship, stop wasting your time with this particular guy as he is not going to be there for you when and if you do exit your marriage.

What if your lover is also married?  This complicates the situation even more as you are not in a relationship triangle you have now entered into a relationship square.

Of all the different forms of affairs, this is the most complicated and most likely to fail in transitioning into a dedicated relationship between the two of you.

First of all, you are both cheating.  Why are you cheating?  You may be looking for an outlet for your sexuality and your personality and want nothing more, if that is the case, you know what you are doing and have no high expectations of the affair changing into something more.  However, if you are looking for more, you may be in danger of being extremely disappointed if he is not also looking to change partners.

In this case, it is very important to find out what his motivations for cheating are and what his expectations from the affair are.

Let’s look at why men cheat.

Some are also looking for their next serious relationship and are not comfortable leaving the marriage until they have secured a new partner, this is very unhealthy and reeks of codependency, however, it does happen.

Some men just succumb to the biological predisposition and their animal instincts.  They aren’t looking for a new partner, they are looking for pure recreational sex outside of their primary relationship.  They may be fun and charming, but their heart lies with their primary relationship, even if their body doesn’t.

This may be very hard for some people to comprehend or accept, but a very high risk time for these types of men (the biologically weak), is when their wife or life partner is pregnant or has just given birth.  Naturally if you are the other woman you may want to believe that he is cheating on his pregnant wife, or newly maternal girlfriend because he suspects that the child is not his, but in the majority of instances, this is not the case.  Sexual experience outside of the primary relationship in this instance is usually due to the male having a Madonna/Whore complex OR because the wife or girlfriend is incapable of having sexual relations due to the trauma of having just given birth or the discomfort of a late-term pregnancy.  If the man you are cheating with falls into this category, you are probably having an affair that is purely sexual in nature.

How can you tell if your affair is “just sex”?

The time you spend together is limited to sexual activity.  The primary goal being sexual gratification, no dating, no dancing and dining, just hooking up for the physical release and nothing more, is a dead give-away.

Some men cheat because they actually fall in love with another woman.

They didn’t plan it.  It just happened.

There was something innately missing in their primary relationship and the other woman comes along and possesses the spirit and personality required to evoke feelings of love and attraction within the man that may no longer exist with his wife or significant other.

Sometimes the man does not even realize that his marriage is lacking until he meets this other woman.

How do you know if this is the case with your affair?

Absent the fact that he is married or committed elsewhere, your relationship is caring and passionate.  He is attentive to you and your needs, he makes time with you, and he spends time with you doing a lot of things besides the horizontal bop.  He will tell you straight out that he is going to leave his marriage and he will tell you when, but the most important thing is that when the time comes HE DOES IT.

Affairs of the heart are complex and complicated, much more so than affairs of the body alone.  When the heart is involved, the intensity is there, the sharing is there and the man and the woman are both there.

It is a myth that all loves that begin while one partner or another or both are committed elsewhere are doomed to failure.  There is no blanket formula for love affairs that begin with cheating.  If it were true, when some say that “men never marry the woman they cheated with their first wife on”, there would be very few second marriages indeed.

I look at it this way.  Back in the olden days, when people truly expected to be married for life, people married very young but their life expectancy was much shorter than what it is today.

It is also a fact that as technology provides the human race with more and more leisure time and less time required to focus on utter survival, we have more time to examine relationships, to choose to renew or end or begin again.  People grow at different paces.

If two people marry in their late twenties, will those two people grow at the same pace and in the same direction?   Sometimes yes, sometimes no, we are not the same person at forty-five that we were at twenty-five or thirty-five, and neither are our spouses and lovers.  The person we loved ten years ago may have evolved (or failed to evolve) into someone we no longer want for a life mate, and so we move on.

Of course, it is always best to begin a relationship one-on-one, but there are times when this just doesn’t happen.  We can’t judge a book by its’ cover, nor can we project that a relationship is doomed to failure because of a less-than-perfect beginning.  In the same vein, we can’t project that a relationship will last because of love and passion, that goes for first marriages and relationships just as much as it does for subsequent ones.

Why do people cheat?

The list is endless.  This is just the tip of the iceberg and the most frequent causes that I have seen in my personal and professional experience.  Sometimes it’s pure selfishness or boredom, sometimes it is looking for love.

I have seen many hearts broken through these types of love affairs, but I have also seen multiple cases of joy, happiness and success.  There is no magic formula for success, but neither is there an automatic failure due to circumstance, each case needs to be reviewed independently of any other.  If you are in this situation, believe me, you are NOT alone.

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.

Surviving An Affair

Visit Brigid Bishop

Can You Take a Hint? (Knowing When It’s Over)

Has that horse dropped dead right underneath you and are you still standing there hitting it trying to make it get up and go?  Perhaps you need to check and see if your relationship has a pulse as well?

You’ve been involved with this guy for a good, long period of time, perhaps even a year or two, and yet, it feels uncomfortable for you to pick up the phone and call him, you feel like you might be bothering him, you don’t want to upset him yet again, so you don’t call, but you are anxious about when you are going to hear from him again.

You haven’t had any fights, you just feel like something is wrong, a general feeling of anxiety comes over you when you think about the relationship.  Despite the fact that you have been seeing each other for at least a year, you feel just as insecure about when he is going to call you again as you did during that first month.

Even though you have been in some sort of relationship for sometime now, you still don’t feel any sense of commitment from him, if you don’t call him he might not call you.  Why?

When you leave a few things at his house he reminds you that you have belongings there to take home with you, he goes to parties with friends without you, when he spends time with his family, you are not included.  Why?

He says things like “let’s not make more out of this than it is” when you get up out of bed with him and ask him if he wants you to stay over.  Why?

He goes for days and days without contacting you.  Why?

Since you are unable to absorb any of the above hints, I will tell you straight out why your man is behaving the way he is.  He does NOT want a relationship with you!  It’s over dear!  Bury this poor dead horse and move on!  No matter what you do at this point, you are not going to get the commitment or the relationship you want with this guy, you are NOT in a relationship, you are single!  This guy is just spending time with you on occassion because he has not yet met the person he is going to REPLACE you with!

Your relationship is dead, please have the common sense and courtesy to bury it and let it rest in peace.  Further pursuit of happiness here will only end in disaster.

At times I receive calls from clients who are experiencing this type of relationship necromancy, and frequently they just don’t want to hear the cold hard facts, and persist in trying to bring the dead back to life.

The most frequently asked question is “Why”?

Well, does it really matter “Why” he no longer has an active interest in you?  What matters is how this prolonged connection with the dead relationship is affecting you.  You are unhappy, you feel anxious all the time, you never know when or if you will hear from him so you are constantly “waiting” for his next move.  Let go!  Move on!  Find someone who really does care for you and be happy instead of miserable.  Get back into life!

I know of a woman who has been trying to make a situation like this work for over two years.  This man frequently breaks up with her, usually around a major holiday or a special day for her, like her birthday or their “anniversary”, and yet she just won’t let go!  Whenever he breaks it off with her, she chases and chases and chases him, literally throws herself at him, and then, when he takes advantage of what she offers and does nothing else, she asks me why.  I tell her the cold hard truth, he is not interested in a relationship with her and although they have been seeing each other for two years, it is not going to develop further and she really should seek her happiness elsewhere, yet she won’t let go.  She stubbornly holds on, and says “well I don’t understand, we’ve been together for two years”.

No, they have NOT been together for two years, they were together for a few months at the very beginning and it has been a battle to stay “together” since then.  Nothing but on again, off again, and she is the one that always makes it seem to be “on again”.

I truly cannot comprehend how some women waste their time, energy and emotion in situations like this.  When in the past it became apparent to me that a man no longer wished to share my company, I had no qualms about saying “Ok, well take care, good-bye” and moving on to someone who actually WANTED to spend time with me.

One woman I know had a few items she had strategically placed in her on/off boyfriends home, and he actually said to her “You need to take your things home with you, let’s not make more out of this than it is” and she STILL persists in trying  to “make this work”.

My lord, if a man ever said that to me I’d pack my stuff up and be gone from his life in about two seconds flat, change my phone number and immediately begin seeking alternate companionship.  Not this woman, no, she took her things home alright, but she is still there, on hold, waiting for the next “on” phase to begin.

It’s sad really, time and emotion just wasted away that could be so much more well spent.

If a man is into you, you will know it, he will seek out your company, not avoid it.  If a man is avoiding spending time with you, TAKE THE HINT and spend your time wisely with those who enjoy being with you!

Looking for Love? Line Up Your Energy!

Many adult single women are looking to find love, it’s the nature of the beast. We long to pair ourselves with someone, to be appreciated, to have a “special someone” to share our thoughts and feelings with on a consistent basis and to open ourselves to building a foundation together.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking to love and be loved, however, many women just don’t seem to be successful in achieving the relationships that they so strongly desire. Why is that?

Well, there are about as many reasons why a woman can’t find love as there are stars in the sky, let’s take a hard look at one or two of them in today’s blog.

You must define what your primary energy is. Are you passive in nature? Are you able to sit back and simply accept or reject that which a man may offer to you? If so, you are a primary feminine energy.

Are you a go-getter in all areas of your life? Are you very extroverted? Do you initiate contact with men you are interested in? If so, you are a primary masculine energy.

Ok, so the modern, successful woman meets a man she is interested in and he asks her out. During the beginning of the relationship, at least for the first few weeks, she presents herself as a feminine energy, allowing him to initiate contact and suggest dates, etc., and things seem to go along fairly well for a few weeks or a month or two. What begins to happen, however, is that she wants to “pick up the pace” a bit, she’s anxious to find love, and this gentleman appears to be a suitable potential mate, and she wants to increase the amount of time they spend together and the frequency of communication.

Now, the unassuming guy, not knowing that she feels this intense need to be loved, (because she presents herself initially as calm, cool and collected, in no particular hurry to commit to a relationship), thinks that things are going along just fine when they see each other once or twice a week and communicate once or twice a week, so he doesn’t realize that she is already experiencing a level of impatience and wanting more from him than this.

Each time he has called and asked her out, she has been available and accepted, and she had no problems being physical with him at a rather early stage in their “relationship”, early being defined here as under the two month mark for dating time.

He has no idea that she has already, (nearly immediately), stopped dating other men and is focused on HIM. Period.

She has unknowingly communicated to him that she has no problem being ultra casual with him, whether she knows it or not.

So the gentleman in question sees no problem when he calls her on Friday evening to get together that same night, (no advanced planning), and when he takes her to his place for sex after their “date”, he feels no special bond with her, although he likely enjoys the physical pleasure. On Saturday morning they go back into their own separate worlds and he may not contact her again for as long as a week, again, asking for the last minute date, which she readily accepts.

He goes about his business during the week and because he believes the connection to be ultra casual due to the behavior pattern involved, he really doesn’t think about her much until he has some free time on his hands and an urge to be physical again.

In the meantime, the woman in question is spending the bulk of her time from Saturday morning until his next call talking to her girlfriends about him, projecting a future for them as a “couple” and anxiously waiting for her phone to ring, allowing little else to occupy her thoughts. Typically at this stage I get calls from single clients asking me to read the tarot for them to find out how he “feels” about them. This is not an unusual or unrealistic question, but what strikes me time and time again is the women who call generally don’t take the time to consider how THEY feel about HIM! Their only concern is whether or not he has feelings for them and whether or not the potential for him to fall in love with them is there, they don’t seem to take even a minute of their time to consider whether or not they actually LIKE the man in question or feel that they could fall in love with him.

In addition, they tend to keep their weekends open, failing to make plans with friends or date other men, anticipating any predefined “pattern” they discern from past experience with the man in question in order to ensure that they are available should he choose to again make last minute contact and spend time with them.

Because they are not continuing to develop other relationships or social activities, they become anxious about “how things are going”, “when will he call”, etc. and have themselves in a heightened state of anxiety until they hear from the gentleman in question.

Usually, at this stage, is when the woman in question starts destroying any chance of building a relationship with the man. Why? Because they have gotten themselves into a casual sexual affair and they now want to change it into a “relationship”. So how do they destroy the connection? Oh, there are many varied ways, but these are the most common in my observations.

Odds are, she nearly immediately added him to her network on whatever social networking site she may frequent, such as myspace or facebook, so she is “keeping an eye” on him in cyberspace, watching what he posts, what anyone else is posting on his page and keeping tabs on any friends he may add. The addition of any new female immediately creates a state of panic in the woman, and may cause her to add some new “friends” of her own to illicit a reaction from him. Highly unlikely to happen as the man in question is unlikely to be paying close attention to her facebook page anyway as he is still considering himself as single and available and behaving as if he is.

When she is unable to illicit a response she may begin posting provocative pictures of herself and perhaps other males (that she is NOT involved with) hoping, again, to illicit some response or reaction from the man in question. Again, this WILL NOT happen as he just assumes she is also dating others, after all, he is only calling/seeing her once a week (or less), so what she does with the rest of her time is her business.

When passive attempts at gaining his attention fail, she begins to become assertive in her need to gain his attention by emailing, texting and/or calling him, making him feel that she is “omnipresent” and pressuring him. This usual results in him cutting conversations short, whether via text or phone or computer IM.

Another way she escalates is, rather than waiting for a call and an invitation for a date, she creates opportunities to be together in advance of his being able to set something up. She begins to initiate the contact, invite him to parties she is throwing, (that she would not be hosting except to make a reason for him to spend time with her), attend movies or sporting events that she believes will interest him and so forth. At first, he may agree to attend with her, but his interest begins to wane and he begins pulling away even more from her.

She has changed from the feminine energy she first presented herself as, to a masculine energy, and he already has his own masculine energy, he doesn’t want to blend it with hers, he wants a woman, not a man, to date. He feels pressured and pursued and it is usually at this point when he either disappears completely or calls it off verbally when she pressures him to “talk about where this is going”.

You can hear the death toll ringing the second a woman says “I want to talk about where this is going”. Doomed. The average male will exit the conversation as quickly as he can, and exit your life as well when he hears those words.

Why does this happen to so many women?

It’s because in our modern culture, women are more masculine energy than ever before. They have impressive careers and lifestyles and are accustomed to going after what they want, aggressively, including men. This will work on a “feminine energy” male, but not on the masculine energy men you encounter.

So how do you find love if you are a successful career woman prone to masculine energy, (going after what you want)?

First and foremost, slow down. When you meet a new male, don’t worry about whether or not HE is going to FALL IN LOVE with you. Consider whether YOU could possibly FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM!

Now, consider your natural energy. If you are interested in a masculine energy male, (the go-getter type), then you have to stay in a feminine energy mode, which is very difficult to do if it is not your natural energy. If you have self-discipline, you can do it, but it won’t be easy. This means that until you are in a true relationship setting you do not initiate contact, create dates or otherwise try to steer the connection. You either accept or reject what the male offers. You do not ask for phone numbers or other contact info, but you supply yours when asked.

If you find it impossible to be passive and simply accept or reject, then you must embrace your masculine energy and seek out men who are more feminine energy. This does not mean that they are effeminate in any way, what it means is that they are the more dreamy types, frequently very creative in some way, musically or artistically, and they have no problems allowing a woman to pursue them and steer the relationship. How will you know? When you ask him out, he will say yes, when you call him, he will always answer, when you invite him out, he will accept happily, he will have no problems with you pursuing him. If he balks at any of the above, he’s not the right energy for you, move on before you get attached.

Another key factor is taking your time before becoming physically involved. Women do bond to the men that they have sex with, it’s biological. Do not have sex with a man until you know that you two are going to enter into a relationship, wait at least six to eight weeks after you start dating to allow this to occur. If you jump right into bed, you are risking bonding to a man that you may not be compatible with. Slow down.

If you are a feminine energy female, or residing in your feminine energy to establish a relationship, stay there! You cannot switch back and forth until the relationship is ESTABLISHED. The same goes for the masculine energy women out there. You can’t start off doing all the work and then expect him to turn around and start pursuing you. Once you establish your energy stay there until you are truly in a “couple”, at that time it is normal for the two of you to vary your energies, but not until then.

If you want to be cherished and put up on a pedestal where he cares about how you feel, you have to be the feminine energy, which means, NO CALLING, TEXTING, ASKING OUT, STALKING ON THE NET, or other types of assertive behavior, let him come to you, literally.

Until a guy asks you to be exclusive, keep dating others, and do not have sex until he asks you to be exclusive if you are the feminine energy.

If you are the masculine energy, go ahead and be physical with him if you feel so inclined, ask him to be exclusive before you sleep with him though. You will bond the same as your feminine energy sisters, so be sure that you want to bond to this guy before you do, but you are the masculine energy, so put it out there.

When you align your energy and know your role, regardless of which energy you find the most suitable for you, your relationships will start to blossom and love and happiness can be found.

Love usually comes naturally when the ingredients between two people are there, when it feels like your relationship is a struggle, it is not going to work and you should move on and not invest any more time and emotion into it! STOP TRYING TO MAKE EVERY GUY YOU DATE “THE ONE”, when the right guy comes along, things will just pick up their own energy and you won’t be anxious about whether or not he is interested, you will know because he will be pursuing you OR happily allowing you to pursue him!

Please read my blog entitled “The Dating Game” to achieve a deeper understanding of masculine/feminine energies.

Copyright © 2009 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the at brigidbishop@gmail.com if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.

What Do YOU Need to be Happy?

What Do You Need to be Happy?

What is it that you require in order to be happy?

Are you already happy and not in need of anything in particular? Good for you! You probably are one of the people who will not read this blog, so I will address those that feel that something is missing in their quality of life preventing them from being contented (happy).

Is it financial safety and security?

Many of us in these difficult economic times are back down at the bottom of the Maslow Pyramid hierarchy of needs. At the safety level, we require security of body, employment, resources, morality, safety of the family, of our health and of our property.

This is not unusual, when the economy takes a downturn, I would venture to guess that at the closure of 2008 the majority of us know of someone who is dealing with the threat of foreclosure, may be considering taking our children out of private schools, and is concerned about job security.

It is difficult indeed to be happy when basic survival and quality of life is at risk.

We can take control over these security risks to some degree, we can search for a new type of employment, downsize our home, refinance, but it is difficult. These factors lay a foundation for the balance of our energy and when these foundational building blocks of our lives begin to shift, we may feel it in all areas of our life.

It is difficult to maintain optimism during these times, but it is possible. We do as much as we can to cement our foundations and we give thanks for the positives that still remain, we weather the storm and prepare for standing our ground or possibly rebuilding.

Our spirituality may help us to endure difficult times at this level and may restore us on the emotional level but we are at risk for depression and high anxiety and must stay aware that life runs in cycles and that this cycle too will pass.

Perhaps you are feeling that you are okay at the safety and security level, a little nervous, but not being affected too harshly, in that case you are probably feeling more that you need love and a sense of belonging to be happy.

Do you need to feel loved and to feel a sense of belonging?

I would venture to say that eighty percent of the clients I am working with are at this level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Feeling love and partnership, (belonging), would bring the majority of the seekers I speak with a sense of happiness.

At this level we seek friendship, family and sexual intimacy.

We may find that in finding sexual intimacy we are falling short of that feeling of happiness we seek. It may be simple enough to find willing sexual partners, but not so easy to find that combination of friendship and sexual intimacy that is the foundation of what we commonly refer to as love.

How do we improve our chances of finding a fulfilling relationship?

It is not easy.

We must learn to differentiate love and sex.

Sex is chemical and can lay a firm foundation for love, but friendship is psychological and emotional and is truly the cement that holds a sexually charged partnership together.

Sexual chemistry can be immediate, like a thunderbolt, whereas friendship, although at times immediate, usually takes patience and understanding, taking the time to get to know someone.

When we delay our sexual gratification and take the time to truly get to understand another person on a “friendship” level and create that bond of affection and concern we have a much better chance at finding our happiness at this level.

There is no magic formula, no rule of thumb for how long it takes, but history and experience prove that the more you know someone before handing your heart over to them, the higher your chances of success in forging that bond we refer to as love.

Perhaps we feel we have already met our love but we are having difficulty transitioning from friendship or casual sex to true intimacy?

If that is the case, the best thing to do is to move things back to the ground level, remove the sexual activity and focus on the friendship again, you may or may not get to the level of sexual intimacy you desire, but you will be able to see things in a broader perspective. Letting go frequently allows the sexual chemistry to reignite into a more passionate connection, yes, it may not, but it frees you to seek the love you desire elsewhere rather than treading water in a “friends with benefits” situation. If love is what you seek, a friend with benefits is only a purgatory that you confine yourself to.

Perhaps we feel that we have met our love but have lost them and feel that only in regaining this love can we find true happiness?

At times, we have found the love we need and for whatever reason, something has gone wrong and we no longer have that love in our lives. How much energy should we put into regaining that love?

This is one of the most difficult situations to calculate.

Each situation is different, however, in general, if initial direct attempts at reconciliation fail, it is best to accept the loss and move forward as best as one can. The old adage, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” holds true here. If the love is meant to rekindle, you cannot force it, nor should you put your life on hold waiting for it, you must accept the ending as a clean break and begin to move forward with your life.

Truly, you can find happiness elsewhere, there is no one person who defines whether or not you are happy, you, yourself define whether or not you are content. In holding on and hoping for a lovers’ return you are losing opportunities for new love to enter your life, that can, actually, make you happy.

The best practice is to move forward, yes your lover may return, but when and if that love does resurface should not be the sole factor in whether or not you are happy, it is not healthy.

In moving forward, we frequently find a new love that is better for us psychologically and emotionally because that lover allows themselves to be available to us, the key to intimacy.

When a desired love object is not available to us emotionally, psychologically or physically we are dealing with the extreme opposite of intimacy, seclusion, and this is something that we are incapable of changing, it must come from within the other person.

If we have love and safety, we may well feel that a heightened sense of esteem will bring us happiness.

Will esteem make you happy?

Do you want to be respected, do you have a high sense of self-esteem, do you want broader recognition of your achievements?

If so, then you are higher up on the pyramid, you have a firm foundation of security and love and you are ready to receive the acclaim of your fellow man. You will work hard to achieve your goals and gain continued recognition and this will make you happy.

Hard work and fortitude is likely what is needed to bring you to your happy plateau.

Are you ready to self-actualize?

If you are, you are truly on “top of the heap”. In Maslow’s theory, this is where true happiness can be found, your physiological, psychological, emotional and ego-driven needs have all been met. You are ready to be the best you can be, and this will bring you true happiness of the highest sort.

At this point you can be creative, helpful, nonjudgmental, charitable and accepting.

You are ready to help others to achieve their happiness as well.

So, where are you on Maslow’s pyramid? What do you need to be happy? What can you do to achieve your goals?

Copyright © 2008 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author. You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.

When Should You Introduce Your Date to Your Children?

When is it appropriate to introduce your date to your kids? 

When we find ourselves in the role of a single parent it is inevitable that at some point we are going to want to enter the social arena of dating again. 

The wise parent will refrain from exposing their children to those we are just casually dating as we know that children are subject to building expectations and fears when their parents make any types of changes, including beginning to date.

When we are finding ourselves in need of adult human companionship it is important to shield our children from building these fears and expectations whenever possible.  Your children should be left out of your adult social life until such a time that you and your new partner have agreed that you are going to be serious about building a relationship.

It is very tempting to the single parent to include their children in the dating process.  A trip to an amusement park or movie theatre may seem harmless enough with that cute date you have been seeing for a few weeks, however, remember that children project your romantic partners into the complimentary parental role.  These projections can be positive or negative in nature.  If you are unsure in any way as to whether this person will be around next week, it is better to exclude the children.  You do not want to place any undue stress on your children nor do you want to build any unrealistic expectations in your children. 

Dating openly in front of your impressionable offspring on a casual basis will build a sense of insecurity in your child.

Before introducing your current love interest to your youngster or teenager, review your own relationship history.  Have you made good, solid choices and had longevity in your relationships or have you had a series of brief but heated affairs.  If your relationship history falls into the latter category refrain from introducing your children into the situation until you have well established the new relationship no matter how long it may take.

If you are a person who seems to make good choices and your past relationships have been steady and long-lived you can make the introduction once you and your new partner have decided to be mutually exclusive and committed to building a future together.  This may take several months.  In a healthy situation this decision can usually be reached in the three to six month period after dating commences.

Dependent upon the age of your children, they may well be aware that you are dating someone.  Curious children may even ask to meet the individual in question.  Unless a true relationship is developing where the party in question is likely to become an integral part of your life and the lives of your children, it is wise to keep the relationships segregated.

What if you meet someone while your children are with you and then begin to date or begin dating someone whom your children are acquainted with like a baseball coach or youth leader?  The same rules apply.  Until you are certain that you are going to be in an ongoing relationship with the person in question keep the relationships separate.

If you allow your children to meet a person or persons that move in and out of your life on a frequent basis you are going to create a sense of insecurity in your child.  It is human nature to try to make an impression on the children of someone you are interested in romantically and you do not want anyone to have the power to make an impression on your children from the projected position of your “partner” unless they are going to be an integral part of your life.

 

 

Copyright © 2009 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part. 

www.brigidbishop.com

 

What Do Your Children Really Need to Know About Your Divorce?

Children are resilient and as parents we tend to forget that they are and try to protect them from anything which will cause them pain and discomfort.

When a set of parents decide to divorce, it is important that they can at least agree on how they are going to communicate this to the children that they share.  Divorce of one’s parent has the potential to become life-long psychological baggage if not handled in a nurturing and compassionate fashion.

The circumstances surrounding the cause of the divorce will play a key factor in exactly how and what is shared with the offspring involved.

If the divorce is due to basic incompatibility and there are no extenuating factors such as abuse involved, the children can be told what to expect in a straightforward manner.  The age of the children is the second factor to be considered.  The younger the child, the more simple the explanation and foundation for expectations should be.

In the event that the situation is more complicated, that there is spousal abuse, an extremely upsetting extramarital affair, substance abuse, abandonment or some other serious factor, the parents should be sure to use age appropriate filtering of information.  In these cases, it is most likely that only one parent will be doing the communicating with the children and care should be taken to allow the children to maintain a reasonable level of respect for the erring parent.  A laundry list of the absent parent’s faults and misdeeds will only harm your children, if the absent parent is not going to see the children on a regular basis after the divorce, the children do need to be advised of that fact.  For a young child it can be expressed as “you are probably not going to see mommy/daddy for a very long time, but I will be here for you”.   If the child is old enough to understand that a volatile situation has come to an end, a simple and honest statement of “I do not know when you will see mommy/daddy again” will suffice.

The focus should be on what the children can expect in the future as far as the availability of the absent parent and how their lives will be directly, and indirectly, affected in an honest and realistic manner.  Instilling false hopes in a child of any age can be shattering to the psyche.

When you are informing your children that you are divorcing the most important element of the information you share is that you lay a very firm and realistic foundation for the expectations that the children will have post divorce.  If you are not the parent who will be in majority custody you need to be absolutely certain that you will be able to live up to any visitation schedule that you plant in your children’s thoughts.

Children of all ages tend to trust their parents implicitly.  Do not sugar coat the future for them.  Be realistic in your description of the future, painful though it may be, it will save the children much pain in the future if you exceed or meet their expectations rather than fall short of them.

Your children do not need to know why you are divorcing, a simple statement that the marriage has ended but that you will both still be their parents is enough.

Answer their questions as honestly as possible and begin to familiarize them with how their schedules will be affected. 

If you are going to have  a visitation schedule with your children inform them of that schedule and by all means stick to it.  Try to keep as much stability in your parental relationships with your children as is possible and share with them the fact that you will still continue to be present in their lives for those routine activities you usually and customarily attend to.

If you are the custodial parent inform them of any changes in residence or schools they can expect and reassure them that you love them and will still be there for them.

If you are the parent who is exiting the home, tell your children where you will be living.  Take your children to your new residence and show them around, show them what space will be theirs, assure them that they are going to have a second home where they can spend time with you.

If you are moving some distance away and your visitation schedule will be less frequent you should take advantage of today’s technology such as web cams and video conferencing to spend time with them on a regular basis.  Invest in the equipment and spend time teaching them how to utilize it.  Inform your children of how to contact you even if you have to buy them their own cell phones to do so.  Your children need to know that they can reach out to you whenever they need to.

The responsibility is yours, you are the adults.  Although anger and resentment can well be boiling between you and your soon-to-be ex spouse, you must make every effort to lay a solid foundation of realistic expectations and communication lines between the children and each parent.

Remember that although you are likely to be in emotional turmoil at this juncture you need to instill a sense of security and safety in your children to protect their emotional and psychological health.

 

Visit www.brigidbishop.com

Copyright © 2009 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the at brigidbishop@gmail.com if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part.